A New Post On Emanon’s Journey
It’s been over a year since I’ve added a chapter to the Emanon’s Journey blog. It’s been a very difficult story for me to relate, up until now. In my daily life, the events which happened to “Emanon” are very far behind me, out of mind, and a world apart from my current reality. Writing about those days means reliving them - tearing myself out of where I am now, and dropping myself into a place that is sometimes painful beyond telling.
Putting myself into the right frame of mind has to be possible for me at the time, or I simply can’t write about it all. Hence - the long pause between chapters.
The chapter that comes after this one will make a transition from the earlier Georgia/”running and hiding” days, to when I met Doug, my husband. It should be a considerably easier chapter to write, and should not take me nearly as long to complete.
Those of you who haven’t read anything over on Emanon’s Journey yet, please don’t begin with this newest chapter. Try to begin at the beginning, which explains what the blog is all about, or at least begin with the “story” itself: “Such a Rainy Night in Georgia - Part 1.” That will give you more of an idea of what the blog is all about. Jumping into this latest post cold and unprepared … will just make it hard for you to understand what’s going on.
Years ago, I began to write an autobiography, knowing that if I could set things down the way they all happened - the abuse, the kidnapping, etc., that I would make a fortune if I could get the completed telling into the right hands. In less than a week, I abandoned the project. It was too painful, too difficult to relive. The immensely abbreviated version on the Emanon blog is difficult enough in the telling, although decades have passed since my first effort, and the events seem almost unreal - like someone else’s memories - when I think of them. Writing about them in detail, however, is another story, and unfolding those details as would be necessary in a book - is impossible for me.
And so - here I am, stretching my boundaries. Much of this is stuff that my closest friends don’t have the details of. How much easier it is to share the most painful, devastating details which a person’s memories harbor when doing so through the written word - especially when launching that word onto a large, nameless, faceless sea … than it is to sit in front of one quiet,attentive listener. There can be an amazing amount of anonymity and privacy in such a public medium.
The new post is entitled: “A Nightmare of a Different Color“
August 31st, 2007 at 2:07 pm
I read too the stories, and I thought I had it tough. You are a survivor, I don’t know if I could have survived so much…ciao :)
September 1st, 2007 at 12:12 am
I read it all Moof and commented over there. Isn’t it strange that we can share things with people out there? But perhaps we can do it because we do not have to face them that enables us to do it.
Take care, Moof, I hope you are feeling better after this week in hospital.
jmb
September 1st, 2007 at 8:00 am
I think jmb is so right. I try not to burden those around me in RL. Out here we are either excepted as we are, or we are not. Although rejection can be just as painful. I wish you well Moof. I could feel the pain in your writing.
September 1st, 2007 at 1:15 pm
Moof,
Oh my friend….I read your Eamonon’s Journey blog quite some time ago and I was horrified for you. I will be sure to go over and read the next chapter.
You are right, though. Most of the time it is easier to tell a story through written word. Not only does it take the discomfort away when telling a raw and painful story face to face, but it also helps in some way to “talk” about the emotions through written words. I think by you being able to retell and in a sense relive what happened to you during that dark period in your life, and sharing your experiences with us, maybe it is a bit like therapy for you in some way? I don’t know….I guess it would be for me ;-)
Thanks for opening up and sharing this with us. It is very courageous.
September 2nd, 2007 at 8:37 pm
Wow, Moof, what a shocker. After reading Emanon’s Journey from the beginning, I came away a bit horrified, a bit shocked, and yet with a sense that you are a triumphant, feisty lady who came through a whole lot of stuff that could very well have left a weaker person completely nonfunctional.
I always knew from reading this blog that it hasn’t been easy for you, but that you always managed to get back up and keep going. Reading this other piece of your blogging saga just reinforced my appreciation for that.
My own situation–completely different from yours–could also be construed as a case of that refusal to let people or circumstances keep me from seeing my own worth and making a life for myself. Perhaps that commonality is what keeps me coming back to your blog. In the back of my head, the combination of kindness and a feisty nature that you show to the world remind me very much of my grandmother, still terribly missed after 15+ years. Maybe that’s my other “excuse”.
September 3rd, 2007 at 3:51 pm
Rositta, thank you for the kind words, but you know - each one of us has to go through whatever we’re faced with, no matter how difficult it seems. Sometimes - just hanging until it’s over is what it takes. I assure you that I don’t feel very “strong” …
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JMB, yes, it’s much easier to share things this way. This is all stuff that I could never talk about just sitting in front of someone. If I think about individual people, I can’t write about things in here, either. I have to just write “to the faceless sea” … and when I do, I can write about almost anything …
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Angel, thank you. There still was pain in the writing … but there’s a cushion of time between us, and that makes things much easier. And about rejection … it can be even more painful here than in person, Angel. It just depends on where your focus is …
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Pattie, yes, it is therapeutic to write things out. It could even be easier to just let go of things once they’ve been expressed … I think that also depends on other factors, though. I do know that it’s far easier to give full expression to a thought, or an emotion, or a memory when there’s time to think it through without feeling as if someone is watching or waiting to see where you’re “going.” The telling and the sharing are somehow removed from one another. And Pattie - it’s not courage, really. It’s more of a need. But thank you … {{{ hugs!!! }}}
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MedRecGal … I don’t know if triumphant is the right word, although I have been called fiesty before! *LOL* As far as being “functional,” well, I assure you that I have my “broken areas.” Every now and then I take them out of the box, look at them, poke them to see how tender they are, and if they don’t poke back too hard, I try to work on them. I think that we can all say the same thing though, eh?
I’m so sorry that you still have a huge empty place where your grandmother was … especially after all of those years. It brought tears to my eyes when I read that … it’s hard to lose someone you love. Don’t forget though - those feelings you have for her keep her “alive.” They keep her here with you. {{{ comfort }}}
September 8th, 2007 at 5:38 pm
When I commented “can be just as painful”, I was thinking of one of my commenter’s that thought I hadn’t posted their comment, and they were feeling hurt by it. Luckily, they contacted me and in doing so, realized they had goofed on their end. In the mean time they had felt hurt and rejected, and I wouldn’t want anyone to feel that way.