Now comes the news that Hans is failing the course, but refuses to withdraw:

He told me that he’s afraid to drop any classes, for any reason. Why?
Because his father has been telling him, non-stop, that Hans will not
and cannot succeed in university. Hans is determined to show him that
he’s wrong, and is afraid that dropping a class will just reinforce his
father’s poor opinion of him.

It’s hard to make a sweeping generalization, especially those who can’t defend for themselves - sufferers, victims.

Good post!

*acid rain…acid [ascerbic] tongue…acid pen/keyboard? :)*

Thanks for the lesson and education. I am much more knowledgeable about AS now because of you, as are many other people fortunate enough to read your blog.

Those who have AS are incapable of making the social “connections” that other people are, although some of them eventually learn the proper responses to certain interactions. To varying degrees, they cannot recognize other people’s body language or facial expressions … and many are unable to “connect” with other people on an emotional level - at all.

An AS person cannot tell when they’re invading another person’s space, and unless they’ve had some counseling, most often can’t tell what sort of things are proper or improper to say to/ask of a stranger - and have no idea of why those things are not appropriate. They can come across as gauche, clueless, or pathologically insensitive and cold, but that’s not necessarily what’s going on inside.

Some “Aspies” don’t have a lot of feelings - are pretty numb on the inside as a running thing, do not understand what causes certain emotions … and cannot relate to what another person is feeling in any way - never having experienced it themselves. Others can feel the emotions, but can’t express them, and can’t recognize them when someone else is expressing them. The latter have a high suicide rate.

There’s a wide difference between someone who truly is insensitive (a man who beats his wife, for example) and a person who has Asperger Syndrome. One knows full well what he’s doing, and will try to justify his behavior … the other actually has no clue that there’s a problem with his behavior.

We all have some social difficulties, whether we have AS or not, but our problems are from our past experiences, acquired attitudes, or are part of our innate character, but fall within certain norms in quantity and severity. Those who have AS innately have a preponderance of those “social difficulties,” and those characteristics do not fall within non-AS norms in quantity and severity.

Lakshmi, believe me, those who do not have AS, and who live in an “Aspie” family can tell that there’s a difference, and also - especially before the Asperger Syndrome is diagnosed - often go on to develop some rather unpleasant problems of their own. But that’s for another post … or maybe even a different blog. I’m not too keen on writing about that aspect of AS on my public blog.

Take a look at the links I’ve provided, especially the FAAAS link. Here is a quote from that website:

Is Anyone Listening?

We, the families with our blistered hearts and souls and damaged psyche, are the end-product of undiagnosed and untreated Asperger’s Syndrome. How many of us are out there? Too many I am afraid. The feelings of rejection and loneliness play a major role in the lives of the Aspergers’ family. You and your feelings are not recognized or understood by the afflicted person. You keep giving and giving and trying to change your behavior and ideas and ideals, your hopes and dreams to ‘make peace’, to please someone who doesn’t need or want your emotions, your thoughts or your feelings. They do not comprehend what you are trying so deseperately to convey. Daily living is like a prison with no boundries. Their inability to respond to you emotionally robs you of your self-esteem, friends, family, confidence in yourself and in your confidence in others. It steals a ‘normal life’ away from ‘normal’ people. Those born with the affliction of Asperger’s Syndrome survive at the emotional and psychological expense of others. Of course this is not done consciously on their part! This is the agony of Asperger’s Syndrome! Those afflicted cannot relate to our pain. The pain is in us, the parents, the siblings and the spouses, not the person with the diagnosis of Asperger’s Syndrome. Yes, we should help them! We should do everything humanly possible to make it easier for them to live in our world! But, what about those of us who have had to live in their world for years? Where do we go? What should we do, the parents, the spouses, the siblings, the bearers of this emotional pain in this unrelenting abnormalcy?

Where do we, the ‘walking wounded’ go for help?”

Anonymous, 1997

Perhaps, someday, I’ll have the courage to write about undiagnosed AS family life, and my own consequent struggle with CAD. I’m not quite there yet, though.

You were the one who first introduced me to Asperger’s syndrome.

It has since often crossed my mind if maybe that is part of what “ails” me.

Especially since I do seem to have many of those same social difficulties.

I truly can relate to those descriptions of the Asperger patient.

I hope that you are warm and doing well.

later…

You’ve proven that you’re very compassionate and concerned about those who are having hard times. AS people, although they can also be compassionate and concerned when confronted with other people’s problems … are more likely to feel that the situation simply doesn’t have anything to do with them. It’s not really selfishness on the part of an AS person, but more the fact that if they can’t see a connection back to themselves, that they don’t feel “involved,” and may feel that it’s none of their business. It would not be something they would focus on.

But - like with anything else - they are, first and foremost, individuals. Some are better at making those indirect social connections than other.

If there are any Aspies reading this thread, I would dearly love to have some feedback.

What a post–full of thought and heart! I had to learn about Asperger Syndrome when it appeared in my extended family some years ago.

I am reminded of the many different conditions people can have that affect their lives and those of others. Yet what often causes huge difficulties is that they “look normal.” It goes something like this:

He looks normal, and if he looks look normal, he should be normal; he’s putting on an act. In fact he’s doing it just to bug me.

We need to remind ourselves that if someone has a condition that makes life more difficult for them, that difficulty is overlain on all the usual human difficulties we all face in life. The person with Aspergers is first and foremost a human being with hopes and dreams like the rest of us. (Now I’m getting steamed up!)

Thanks for tackling this, Moof.
Neill

There’s quite a bit that can be said about AS, and the related CAD … and I know that I should be writing about both. That I know of, there are no real supports in place for AS families here in the states. There seem to be places that will diagnose AS, but not treat it, much less treat the family - or the non-AS family members who have CAD. There’s a great void here in the states which desperately needs to be filled.

The reality of AS, especially if it is undiagnosed for years, can be devastating to all of the members of an affected family - both those with AS, and those without. It can be a terrifying thing to know that there’s no place to turn.

I have to wonder where we should begin …

I wouldn’t normally post on a topic that was several months old, but since you ask…

I agreed with pretty much everything you said. I am an aspie, married to an aspie, and have 3 kids: one who is most definitely aspie, one who is on the border, and one who is not. The one who is not was very hard to parent, he was definitely a party animal, did badly in school, and got into a lot of substance abuse and legal problems. The one on the border was a joy to parent, did great in school, got a degree in molecular biology (yes, another molecular biologist!), got married, and is living a happy and productive life. The most aspergian of the bunch is still young, but is another easy kid, with strong interests in physics and chemistry. Not that he gets any love from his teachers, his math and reading were at 7th grade level when he was in 3rd grade, which *annoyed* the local schools; they had no idea what to do with him since his social skills were nowhere near 7th grade level. So they basically blew him off, and he’s spent a year and a half as a home schooler.

As for us adults, we’re both scientists. I had a bit of a hard time focusing on university at times, but got through it. My wife was a National Merit Scholar, and has never attended a school that didn’t award her at least honors. She inherited her aspie traits from her dad, who is a really exceptional MD, so I think it’s safe to say that the aspie types in the family are all “college material.” It’s the relatively normal ones who have had problems.

Anyway, there’s your feedback: strong approval!

If you should decide to being blogging, please be kind enough to let me know. I would dearly love to follow your blog - it would help me to better understand my husband and sons. Thank you!

What a strange coincidence…I was just roaming around your blog here, since I always seem to find something interesting or familiar…and it happened again! Don’t know if this has ever come up in my messages either here or at the BMH site, but I am exceedingly familiar with a condition that is a “cousin” to Asperger’s, nonverbal learning disability. It is not a formally recognized diagnosis like AS (*yet*), but it’s been described extensively in the literature if you know where to look. As a matter of fact I’ve written about it in a book that involved individuals with both conditions. I can completely second the notion that people have very limited understanding of these kinds of conditions…which poses more problems sometimes than the conditions themselves! Now you’ve piqued my curiosity…can you say more about what it’s like to live with these AS guys? It would be an interesting look at the other side, since I’m far more likely to understand the Aspie end than the “NT” (aka “normal”, whatever that means!) end.