Mercy give to someone what they do not deserve.

Meekness is the ability to stay calm and mature when the natural response would be anger or violence.

You, my dear Moof, are filled with Courage and Mercy and you dose it out with Meekness like I’ve never seen before.

“Being trusting is not a problem … face to face, I’ve seldom been wrong about who to trust, and who not to trust. Online – it’s a bit different. I’ll be more aware that there are always people who are not who they say they are. But really, are any of us? We show the world the face we want it to see … those at home see a different side of us than those at work, or on a blog. I will still chose to believe that the side people are showing me is truly a facet of the real person … until they prove otherwise”

It made me realize that this really is not such a faceless place, for I see you thru your words, your courage, convictions, and your obvious kindness of sharing yourself with us. It gives me more courage to continue to share myself and grow. Thanks Moff, come see me at Maddspace some time, its full of my sometimes odd view of what I see happeneing in the world, or as I like to call them Maddisims.
p.s. I hope you don’t mind that I have added you to my blog roll, I am still learniing the proper blog etiquette…

[...] but the part I didn’t miss was the important one, the one that gave me the courage to think about my own experiences with an eye to dealing with them instead of burying them as deep as possible.

You couldn’t have made me any happier if you’d followed the entire saga. Hearing that makes it all worthwhile. {{{ hugs! }}}

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Amka, I’ve read, and reread, your comment many times. I get something different each time I read it. I think I understand what you’re expressing, but I’m not certain that I do.

The Blogosphere is not the same thing as sharing with a single individual … and in fact, I believe that most people still need to take that step, even if they have shared something publicly. This is a bit like “group therapy” … and is affirming in very much the same ways – but it’s probably not enough for many people.

Beyond the “group therapy” effect, there’s also the fact that it is public … where someone who needs to read it may happen across it. The emails I’ve gotten have proven that to me. Already … the original post has “paid for itself” several times over in that regard.

I feel that nothing is ever lost in this sort of venture. Of course there could be detractors … or even malicious people … but that doesn’t take away from what other people may have gained.

—

Dr. Anon … thank you. Yes, I think that the silliness that followed the original posts took the focus off the message, and refocused it squarely on an opposite message: distrust. There were emails coming in before the speculation began … they stopped abruptly once it started. Once I could absorb what was happening, I really despaired, because I was afraid that I had done it for nothing. That sort of disclosure has to be more than a mere sensationalist tale … it has to be a lesson in moving beyond the pain, anger, distrust, and into a place of realizing that we’re not alone in our pain, that others understand … that some don’t judge us by where we’ve been, but rather by who we are. Thanks – yet again – Dr. Anon!

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Cathy, my dear friend, I really rely on your wisdom and good sense. I know that a lot of other people do, too.

I need to ask you something – does TNT make the rest of our community less trustworthy? Seriously – think about it. What if I were really a felon in a prison someplace – convicted of rape … and someone read what I’d written when I was pretending to be a woman named Moof, who had been raped? What if the person reading what I’d written finally was able to break through a wall of silence, reach out to those around her, and begin to heal? Would that make her healing less real?

How far are we willing to reach out to each other? Where are we going to draw our lines? If you’re really a doctor, then I’ll draw the line here, but if you’re only pretending to be a doctor, but you’re really a needy teenager, I’ll reject you completely – because you weren’t honest with me from the beginning?

This blogging community gives us a lot to relax into and enjoy, but it also gives us a lot to question and wonder about. I think that, in the end, we get out of it what we put into it – no more, no less.

I still feel “secure” in our blogging community, Cathy. If I focus on the idea that there’s no telling who any of us are, then I won’t continue to blog. If I no longer blog … I’ll be punishing myself far more than anyone else.

We all need to move beyond TNT …

—

Angel … thank you for visiting me, and for leaving a comment. You have a beautiful blog. I enjoyed visiting it.

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Always Learning – I have the answer to that … one word: Bloglines. If it weren’t for Bloglines, I would quickly lose touch with the blogs I follow. As it is, I’m able to only check on those that have posted something new …

Once I got Bloglines, blogging became a lot easier … :o)

By the way – I love your blog!

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May, dear heart, every time someone associates the word “courage” with me, I feel like a pretender. I’m really not courageous at all. Desperate – often. Foolhardy – even more often. Courage comes in doing what I’ve done on my blog – face to face with someone. That’s not likely to happen in my lifetime …

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Dr. Dinosaur … you comment knocked the wind out of me. You don’t need to seek out Dr. Schwab for an “oralpedalectomy.”

The first 24 to 36 hours of TNT’s “betrayal” would probably have been worse, if I’d been smart enough to catch on. As it was, I was just very worried about her. When I realized what happened, I downed a few extra HTN meds, and forgave her. One reason that I did that is because I’ve been in that position often enough in life to realize that when someone “gets me” … I’m far more upset at being “taken,” than I am their duplicity. You’re quite right.

You’re also quite right that the bottom line was “good.” I certainly got something out of it, and so did several other people that I’m aware of.

You said:

Given the chance, I will express compassion to those who appear to need it. But I’m only human, and I’m going to be fooled. It doesn’t make me stupid. It doesn’t mean I’m gullible, or that I’m a bad [doctor (person, friend, etc.) ]. It means that someone took advantage of my goodness; nothing more, nothing less.

Thank you. You’ve expressed exactly what I feel, and you’ve done it far better than I ever could have. Thank you. So glad you’re part of our “blogging world.”

Without meaning to minimize the trauma of TNT’s betrayal, Moof, I see this a little differently. Bottom line: you ended up posting about your rape experience. Presumably, on balance this was a positive experience for you (the posting, of course; not the rape.) Your interaction(s) with TNT, whoever she turned out to be, led you to post it. Bottom line is “good.”

I also have some perspective on “betrayal”; not necessarily the Internet version, but another situation I consider genuinely analogous.

More than once I have been taken in by people who flat out lie to me in order to get drugs. The first few times, when I was younger, they played me by bonding with me. Their stories were believable (her brother died, so she needed extra pills for the three-hour drive to the funeral; etc.) or at least they seemed so at the time. I felt good about the compassionate care I was providing. When the truth came out, I had the same stab-in-the-gut feeling you must have had about TNT. Maybe worse: these people (more women than men, interestingly) had scammed me face-to-face by making me care about them, when all the time they were using me.

So I feel justifed in saying that I understand how you feel.

Here’s the thing, though: I said that it’s happened more than once. Each time, the “personal outrage” of the betrayal is less. It doesn’t happen as often anymore, but the last time was in fact just a few months ago; so it definitely still happens. But it doesn’t hurt anymore, and here’s why:

I think the “pain” is in fact anger at ourselves; anger for being stupid; anger at having been taken for a fool; anger at having been used. Perhaps anger that our compassion has been “wasted” on someone who doesn’t “deserve” it. But it’s still our own anger directed at ourselves (often displaced onto the betrayer, but fundamentally turned back on ourselves.)

What’s changed is that I’ve decided to be nicer to myself.

I’m a good person. Given the chance, I will express compassion to those who appear to need it. But I’m only human, and I’m going to be fooled. It doesn’t make me stupid. It doesn’t mean I’m gullible, or that I’m a bad doctor. It means that someone took advantage of my goodness; nothing more, nothing less. FWIW, TNT sounds like she understands that, so I hope this post helps you look at it a little differently and perhaps makes you feel a bit better by being nicer to yourself.

On the other hand, if you’ve already expounded on all this in posts I haven’t gotten around to reading yet, I shall contact Dr. Sid to perform an oral-pedal-ectomy (removing foot from mouth.)