Tying Up All of Those …
On the morning of Thursday, August 31, I got the nicest email from Pattie. The previous Monday, the 28th, I had made a post in tandem with another blogger. Those of you who are regular readers will most likely recall the incident - and the speculation surrounding it.
Here’s Pattie’s email:
You have been on my mind the last few days. I have been thinking about your last post so much, and I hope that you are feeling okay after publishing such a personal story. It is nice to see so many supportive comments. But, I can’t help but wonder how you feel now that it is out there. Does it help you heal? I have never been a victim of rape or molestation, but I have girlfriends who have. They do hide it like it is something to be ashamed of. It is hard for me to help, because it has never happened to me. I am always one to say that it is best to talk about things…get it out there. Hiding the pain I would think just makes it worse. That of course is my own opinion, and because it hasn’t happened to me, maybe I am not qualified to make that determination.
Anyway, something else is deeply troubling me. I read the comments on that post, and there was mention that the woman you posted with, TNT, is not who she says she is. I certainly hope this is not true. If it is, that makes me concerned to meet those out in the blogging world who are not who they portray themselves to be. Does it make one less trusting? On guard about who you chose to share private things with? If so, how does this make you feel? I am thinking of you, Moof. Please
take good care and know you are in my thoughts.XO, Pattie
I knew that I would have to deal with both parts of Pattie’s email … but I was just beginning to realize that I would have to deal with a great part of it on my own, quietly, before I could take it into a public forum. In the first few days after we made our posts, my inbox filled with emails. By the time Pattie had written to me, and there was increasing speculation that TNT was not the Peds Resident she claimed to be, the emails had increased exponentially. I still have more than 40 emails from that period that I have to look over in order to see which require answering. If you’re one of the people still waiting for an answer, please be patient with me. I will eventually sort through all of it.
This post is all about tying up the loose ends. Pattie’s email plunged to the very core of the issues … and with her permission, I’m using her email as a launching point in my attempt to sort things out …
Let me attempt to do this …
But, I can’t help but wonder how you feel now that it is out there. Does it help you heal? [...] They do hide it like it is something to be ashamed of. It is hard for me to help, because it has never happened to me. I am always one to say that it is best to talk about things…get it out there. Hiding the pain I would think just makes it worse. That of course is my own opinion, and because it hasn’t happened to me, maybe I am not qualified to make that determination.
Yes, people who’ve been raped do tend to hide it. There’s more than one reason for that. It’s difficult to deal with such subject matter, even in the best of circumstances.
There’s a cultural reluctance to bring it up with those you don’t know because of the stigma associated with the subject of rape. The question of what the woman did to “deserve” it is probably the most damaging of speculations that a woman faces. Right behind that rumination comes an entire set of similar cogitations … all queued up nicely like baby ducks in a row.
Even without having said anything, a woman feels somehow “marked.” There’s a sense that everyone who looks hard enough will see some symbol, some aura, that marks her as a “rape victim.” Her privacy has already been invaded to such an extent that even a glance is painful and intrusive.
And then - there are those you know. Somehow that’s even worse than dealing with strangers. With strangers, you can get through it … suffer it out until it’s over … and then hope you never, ever see them again. With friends, family, the look in their eye will be there - tinging every exchange you ever have with them again. Each time you see it - it will be a reminder, a painful memento, a further unwelcome intrusion into your most private places.
A close friend who was dying from breast cancer a number of years ago expressed her pain at the realization that she would never again be treated the same by her friends - there would always be this unwanted reality hanging between her and those she so badly needed to find some sort of normalcy with. She had described the sensation as being “raw all over.” That stayed with me. Emotionally “raw all over” is a very apt description of what a woman who’s been raped feels when she thinks about what happened … and when she sees the “reality” hanging wordlessly between her and those around her.
I’ve been told that I was “brave” for posting what I did. I wasn’t. Not really. A few bloggers who know me quite well know just how hard it is for me to be open in any way - with anyone. It wasn’t bravery that brought any of it out … but rather a determination to get on top of my own inability to relate anything of any real importance about myself to others. If I can admit the most horrible things about myself in a public forum … then perhaps I can also reveal those things that other people find easy to talk about when face to face, but which are nearly impossible for me. Did it succeed? Not quite - not as expected, anyway.
Which leads me into the second part of Pattie’s email …
[T]he woman you posted with, TNT, is not who she says she is. [...] Does it make one less trusting? On guard about who you chose to share private things with? If so, how does this make you feel?
When the young woman who called herself TNT and I were exchanging emails, I told her that I felt as if we were two little girls, standing on a dock, holding hands to give each other courage to jump into the icy cold water together. For that “courage,” the courage of feeling as if I was stepping out into the open, naked, but not alone - I owe Jessie my thanks. I would not have done such a thing alone. That said, I would have done it … sooner or later. Someone would have sent me an email talking about rape … Peggikaye perhaps? It would have eventually happened.
At first, I was far more concerned for TNT than I was about having posted something so “raw.” In quickly exchanged emails, she appeared to panic and draw back into herself; by the time she deleted her blog, I was beside myself with concern for her. Over the next 24 hours, I really didn’t have a chance to stop and think about what I’d done, because the “TNT saga” was playing itself out in ever more confusing - and disturbing - detail.
Over the next 36 hours or so, the truth became apparent to myself, and to others who were trying to unearth the facts. Not only was TNT not who she’d had us all believing she was, she was also playing many of the parts in the drama - like a thespian changing costumes for each new role in a one man show. We were able to ascertain quite certainly who we were dealing within fairly short order once put our minds to it.
I’ve always prided myself on having decent “discernment” where people are concerned. I was truly dismayed - unsettled to my core - at having been so wrong about TNT. Toward the end of our communications, even as she was playing the role of the friend who was being a “rat,” she’d sent me a very convincing email …
I can guarantee you that the individual (AKA: “Anonymous”) is reaping enormous satisfaction watching the fire he started blaze. I love blogging, but it’s just not worth the anxiety. Too much can be jeopardized. My concern here, Moofasa, is for you - are you alright? I hope you are taking the time out for yourself that you need. I just read the post on your blog… [...] …going back to an email you sent before the ruckus, I borrowed a friend’s digital camera and will have photos as soon as I figure out how to get them onto the computer (*LOL*) if you still want to see them :o) (Of course, I would fully understand if you don’t after all the commotion)
What if … what if she was being honest? If one of “ours” was being harried and harassed, not defending them - standing behind them - would, in itself, be like another rape. What if someone else were doing the same thing to me? How would I defend myself - what would I do? I hesitated in indecision. By time the IP addresses brought the truth to light in an indisputable way, I recognized that this young woman had completely bamboozled me.
Once she realized that the gig really was up, Jessie (TNT) sent me an apology. Here it is, in part:
Moof, I am so sorry. As hard as it probably is to believe, I’ve been completely consumed trying to find a way to make things right…I’m not sure there is one. It’s hard to find a way to explain to you why I did what I did without dumping out details that would only complicate things, but this is going to be my best try. First and foremost: despite what happened, I never, ever meant to hurt anyone, especially you, and it kills me that what I did brought on emotional hurt.
There was quite a bit more … but that sums it all up quite nicely. Of course I forgave her … I’ve never had a problem with unforgiveness. What I decided I couldn’t do, however, was trust myself to be able to discern if she was going off on some other tangent at a later time. This young woman has a serious problem, and without being able to count on my own acuity … trying to be a friend could just enable her to continue playing someone for effect - rather than really trying to get some help, and get on top of her problem. I decided it would be best - for both of us - if I just moved on.
Pattie asked me if it made me less trusting, or more reticent about who I would share private things with. Good questions.
Being trusting is not a problem … face to face, I’ve seldom been wrong about who to trust, and who not to trust. Online - it’s a bit different. I’ll be more aware that there are always people who are not who they say they are. But really, are any of us? We show the world the face we want it to see … those at home see a different side of us than those at work, or on a blog. I will still chose to believe that the side people are showing me is truly a facet of the real person … until they prove otherwise.
Sharing … private things. Well … when I chose to share my “private things,” I chose to do so publicly. So - at least in writing, blogging, I don’t think that will become an issue. What I’m fighting against is not being able to share even regular things with people when I’m nose to nose with them … and I don’t think that TNT affected that in any way.
What I am concerned about, however, is what the TNT experience might do to someone else. When I posted what happened to me, it had the effect of freeing me from having to continue acting as if it had never happened - even in the silence of my own mind. But that’s not all it was intended to do … I wanted to give others the courage to join us … to join me … because once you’ve said it out loud, you can’t undo it. Once it’s out in the open, you never have to hide what happened again. If someone else learns from your example, they may be able to break through the shame and the fear right away … it could start a torrent of healing.
I began to get emails in the first few days after I first posted about the rape … and then, as the TNT mystery came front and center, the focus shifted. People stopped sending me their personal experiences … and began to send condolences. I’m afraid that what’s happened has caused some people who would otherwise have opened up and reached out - not to.
So - as I look back on the entire episode, I don’t regret that I wrote about the rape … but I regret that some people were frightened into silence by one person’s duplicity, and that my efforts - beyond my own healing - were for naught. I sincerely hope that if anyone reading this feels that way … that they’ll reach out to someone. Put a stop the silence - put an end to the shame.
September 18th, 2006 at 9:59 pm
It is a betrayal that TNT enacted, and it gets me upset.
I think that everyone who has suffered such a thing should have a safe place to tell what has happened. I love what you said about the need for normalcy.
This sets up something of a dilemma though.
Rape is a very intimate violent act. One reason women do not feel comfortable discussing it is not only that they feel shame.
These same women may now be experiencing a wonderful marriage. Do they share the joyful details of the bedroom? No. There is something wonderful in keeping it secret, making it a sacred act. There is a sweet dignity in being silent about that. To tell about something that happened in the past simply because it was exactly the opposite: completely stripped of sacredness and joy, removes from them, yet again, the dignity. It may also be something they’ve put behind them, and there is no reason to bring it up, most especially in public.
This doesn’t mean women should never tell anyone. One of the most important steps in healing is having someone know and believe. It does need to be accepted, validated, helped by someone else. If anyone reading out there hasn’t done that, please find a safe place to do so. I think Moof is that. I am not convinced the public blogosphere is, though for some it might be.
But I do think there comes a time in life when it is good to leave behind and live in the now. At this point, not telling someone isn’t about living in shame. It is about moving on. It is about not being defined by a past horror.
September 19th, 2006 at 12:42 am
Great way to refocus us on what really this is about. Even though you don’t consider yourself brave or courageous, I believe that you are — in addition to being determined.
TNT was a distraction and I admit that I got caught up in the hype as well. My closure on that was at about 48-72 hrs, then moved on. I hope we don’t talk about that ever again.
I was concerned as well that someone would be “frightened into silence.” I agree with you - “Put a stop to the silence - put an end to the shame.” Thanks for sharing your story.
September 19th, 2006 at 1:48 am
Moof, I have decided that the TNT experience wasn’t a complete loss. No matter how it turned out, you still posted some personal things of your life, that you needed to let go of. By doing so, you found that your friends, were ready and willing to support you. Any one of us would have willingly taken some of your pain. We felt your pain through your story. I was honored, that you trusted us enough to share it with us.
Even though everything she claimed was a lie, she did leave us with knowledge. We do need to be more careful of who we trust, what we say, who we allow ourselves to be taken in with. Many of us were feeling real secure with the community we had found here. Maybe we do need to be better at evaluating people in this arena. Just like we would in any other aspect of our lives. Without someone reminding us of the distrustful people in the world, we could get ourselves in real trouble.
There is alot more I want to say, but, I’am too exhausted to say them.
Thank you for posting this Moof!
September 19th, 2006 at 3:32 pm
Love to all….
Angel Feathers Tickle Me
September 19th, 2006 at 5:31 pm
Moof, by your posts you’ve shown that you’re an amazing person that continues to learn from the curve balls that life throws us. Am thrilled to know such a great human being.
On a lighter note, I have NO IDEA how you manage to get through the numerous links you have, AND still have time to find new and interesting blogs… amazing.
September 19th, 2006 at 8:12 pm
you have a very inspiring outlook. people like you are not defeated by stuff like these…it makes you stronger and better. thanks for sharing your life and pain, your courage is amazing.
September 19th, 2006 at 8:47 pm
(Disclosure: I only just joined this little blogging world as the TNT saga was finishing up, so although I think I have a handle on the specifics, apologies up front for anything I get wrong.)
Without meaning to minimize the trauma of TNT’s betrayal, Moof, I see this a little differently. Bottom line: you ended up posting about your rape experience. Presumably, on balance this was a positive experience for you (the posting, of course; not the rape.) Your interaction(s) with TNT, whoever she turned out to be, led you to post it. Bottom line is “good.”
I also have some perspective on “betrayal”; not necessarily the Internet version, but another situation I consider genuinely analogous.
More than once I have been taken in by people who flat out lie to me in order to get drugs. The first few times, when I was younger, they played me by bonding with me. Their stories were believable (her brother died, so she needed extra pills for the three-hour drive to the funeral; etc.) or at least they seemed so at the time. I felt good about the compassionate care I was providing. When the truth came out, I had the same stab-in-the-gut feeling you must have had about TNT. Maybe worse: these people (more women than men, interestingly) had scammed me face-to-face by making me care about them, when all the time they were using me.
So I feel justifed in saying that I understand how you feel.
Here’s the thing, though: I said that it’s happened more than once. Each time, the “personal outrage” of the betrayal is less. It doesn’t happen as often anymore, but the last time was in fact just a few months ago; so it definitely still happens. But it doesn’t hurt anymore, and here’s why:
I think the “pain” is in fact anger at ourselves; anger for being stupid; anger at having been taken for a fool; anger at having been used. Perhaps anger that our compassion has been “wasted” on someone who doesn’t “deserve” it. But it’s still our own anger directed at ourselves (often displaced onto the betrayer, but fundamentally turned back on ourselves.)
What’s changed is that I’ve decided to be nicer to myself.
I’m a good person. Given the chance, I will express compassion to those who appear to need it. But I’m only human, and I’m going to be fooled. It doesn’t make me stupid. It doesn’t mean I’m gullible, or that I’m a bad doctor. It means that someone took advantage of my goodness; nothing more, nothing less. FWIW, TNT sounds like she understands that, so I hope this post helps you look at it a little differently and perhaps makes you feel a bit better by being nicer to yourself.
On the other hand, if you’ve already expounded on all this in posts I haven’t gotten around to reading yet, I shall contact Dr. Sid to perform an oral-pedal-ectomy (removing foot from mouth.)
September 19th, 2006 at 11:10 pm
I can’t believe the depth of some of the comments I’ve received on this post. It’s made it quite worthwhile. I was afraid that even “tying up the loose ends” might be too much … but I’ve gotten a tremendous amount from these comments … and I’m grateful.
—
Amka, I’ve read, and reread, your comment many times. I get something different each time I read it. I think I understand what you’re expressing, but I’m not certain that I do.
The Blogosphere is not the same thing as sharing with a single individual … and in fact, I believe that most people still need to take that step, even if they have shared something publicly. This is a bit like “group therapy” … and is affirming in very much the same ways - but it’s probably not enough for many people.
Beyond the “group therapy” effect, there’s also the fact that it is public … where someone who needs to read it may happen across it. The emails I’ve gotten have proven that to me. Already … the original post has “paid for itself” several times over in that regard.
I feel that nothing is ever lost in this sort of venture. Of course there could be detractors … or even malicious people … but that doesn’t take away from what other people may have gained.
—
Dr. Anon … thank you. Yes, I think that the silliness that followed the original posts took the focus off the message, and refocused it squarely on an opposite message: distrust. There were emails coming in before the speculation began … they stopped abruptly once it started. Once I could absorb what was happening, I really despaired, because I was afraid that I had done it for nothing. That sort of disclosure has to be more than a mere sensationalist tale … it has to be a lesson in moving beyond the pain, anger, distrust, and into a place of realizing that we’re not alone in our pain, that others understand … that some don’t judge us by where we’ve been, but rather by who we are. Thanks - yet again - Dr. Anon!
—
Cathy, my dear friend, I really rely on your wisdom and good sense. I know that a lot of other people do, too.
I need to ask you something - does TNT make the rest of our community less trustworthy? Seriously - think about it. What if I were really a felon in a prison someplace - convicted of rape … and someone read what I’d written when I was pretending to be a woman named Moof, who had been raped? What if the person reading what I’d written finally was able to break through a wall of silence, reach out to those around her, and begin to heal? Would that make her healing less real?
How far are we willing to reach out to each other? Where are we going to draw our lines? If you’re really a doctor, then I’ll draw the line here, but if you’re only pretending to be a doctor, but you’re really a needy teenager, I’ll reject you completely - because you weren’t honest with me from the beginning?
This blogging community gives us a lot to relax into and enjoy, but it also gives us a lot to question and wonder about. I think that, in the end, we get out of it what we put into it - no more, no less.
I still feel “secure” in our blogging community, Cathy. If I focus on the idea that there’s no telling who any of us are, then I won’t continue to blog. If I no longer blog … I’ll be punishing myself far more than anyone else.
We all need to move beyond TNT …
—
Angel … thank you for visiting me, and for leaving a comment. You have a beautiful blog. I enjoyed visiting it.
—
Always Learning - I have the answer to that … one word: Bloglines. If it weren’t for Bloglines, I would quickly lose touch with the blogs I follow. As it is, I’m able to only check on those that have posted something new …
Once I got Bloglines, blogging became a lot easier … :o)
By the way - I love your blog!
—
May, dear heart, every time someone associates the word “courage” with me, I feel like a pretender. I’m really not courageous at all. Desperate - often. Foolhardy - even more often. Courage comes in doing what I’ve done on my blog - face to face with someone. That’s not likely to happen in my lifetime …
—
Dr. Dinosaur … you comment knocked the wind out of me. You don’t need to seek out Dr. Schwab for an “oralpedalectomy.”
The first 24 to 36 hours of TNT’s “betrayal” would probably have been worse, if I’d been smart enough to catch on. As it was, I was just very worried about her. When I realized what happened, I downed a few extra HTN meds, and forgave her. One reason that I did that is because I’ve been in that position often enough in life to realize that when someone “gets me” … I’m far more upset at being “taken,” than I am their duplicity. You’re quite right.
You’re also quite right that the bottom line was “good.” I certainly got something out of it, and so did several other people that I’m aware of.
You said:
Thank you. You’ve expressed exactly what I feel, and you’ve done it far better than I ever could have. Thank you. So glad you’re part of our “blogging world.”
September 20th, 2006 at 1:13 am
Wow. I finally gathered, from reading and re-reading the appropriate posts, what must have happened. But I never knew details; didn’t ask for them, wasn’t sure I wanted them. It wasn’t at all that I didn’t care, just that I figured if you wanted me to know, you’d tell me. I’m a little out of the loop, I have my own blog-rounds I make regularly, but all of them are in a lighter vein than a lot of the ones you link to. I tend to go for the relaxing and entertaining stuff. Anyway, rambling aside, I missed most of the uproar, and I’m thankful, but the part I didn’t miss was the important one, the one that gave me the courage to think about my own experiences with an eye to dealing with them instead of burying them as deep as possible.
September 20th, 2006 at 10:37 am
Shel … you said:
You couldn’t have made me any happier if you’d followed the entire saga. Hearing that makes it all worthwhile. {{{ hugs! }}}
September 21st, 2006 at 5:20 pm
Moff I have just started blogging, in fact came across your site just as things were winding up over TNT, wasn’t sure what was happening so I thank you for you tying up loose ends. Trust is a hard thing for me, I prefer to do it face to face and have had to really think about it here in this faceless space, so when you said:
“Being trusting is not a problem … face to face, I’ve seldom been wrong about who to trust, and who not to trust. Online - it’s a bit different. I’ll be more aware that there are always people who are not who they say they are. But really, are any of us? We show the world the face we want it to see … those at home see a different side of us than those at work, or on a blog. I will still chose to believe that the side people are showing me is truly a facet of the real person … until they prove otherwise”
It made me realize that this really is not such a faceless place, for I see you thru your words, your courage, convictions, and your obvious kindness of sharing yourself with us. It gives me more courage to continue to share myself and grow. Thanks Moff, come see me at Maddspace some time, its full of my sometimes odd view of what I see happeneing in the world, or as I like to call them Maddisims.
p.s. I hope you don’t mind that I have added you to my blog roll, I am still learniing the proper blog etiquette…
September 22nd, 2006 at 4:48 am
Moof, posting your story WAS courageous, even though you beg to differ. The potential to help others is great, if not to open up themselves, at least to know that others have been unfortunate to share their experience and have come through it.
My feelings about the TNT thing - I’m saddened that someone could manufacture such a story under the guise of ‘taking that leap into the icy water’ (as you so brilliantly described it), I’m amazed at the generosity of your spirit. As you said, you would have posted eventually but maybe not just yet.
I think this post is so well-timed. The whole TNT should be put to bed, so to speak.
September 22nd, 2006 at 4:21 pm
Moof … courage is not being fearless. Not anymore than having mercy and being meek is being weak.
Courage, is the ability to stand and move forward inspite of the fear, inspite of the weakness and inspite of the terror that one feels.
Mercy give to someone what they do not deserve.
Meekness is the ability to stay calm and mature when the natural response would be anger or violence.
You, my dear Moof, are filled with Courage and Mercy and you dose it out with Meekness like I’ve never seen before.
September 29th, 2006 at 7:52 pm
I actually missed the whole thing because I’m only an occasional visitor. Even so, your summary of events sounds awful familiar to me. I guess we’ve all got to realize that “poseurs” of various types are a standard hazard of cyberspace. (They do show up in meatspace too, but our defensive instincts work a lot better in person!) This is probably worse when mental illness/injury and support are on the table! I remember a depression-support list, where several “borderline personality” types wreaked havoc until the admins caught wise and took action.
September 29th, 2006 at 8:01 pm
Oh yeah… it’s commonplace that a false guru can give true enlightenment — to a true student. I’d say something similar’s at play here — call it the Trickster’s Mystery. What matters for you are the achievements and understandings which you were helped toward, by your own responses. The fact that you were responding to a collection of masks and puppets, turns out to be nearly irrelevant.