On the morning of Thursday, August 31, I got the nicest email from Pattie. The previous Monday, the 28th, I had made a post in tandem with another blogger. Those of you who are regular readers will most likely recall the incident - and the speculation surrounding it.
Here’s Pattie’s email:
You have been on my mind the last few days. I have been thinking about your last post so much, and I hope that you are feeling okay after publishing such a personal story. It is nice to see so many supportive comments. But, I can’t help but wonder how you feel now that it is out there. Does it help you heal? I have never been a victim of rape or molestation, but I have girlfriends who have. They do hide it like it is something to be ashamed of. It is hard for me to help, because it has never happened to me. I am always one to say that it is best to talk about things…get it out there. Hiding the pain I would think just makes it worse. That of course is my own opinion, and because it hasn’t happened to me, maybe I am not qualified to make that determination.
Anyway, something else is deeply troubling me. I read the comments on that post, and there was mention that the woman you posted with, TNT, is not who she says she is. I certainly hope this is not true. If it is, that makes me concerned to meet those out in the blogging world who are not who they portray themselves to be. Does it make one less trusting? On guard about who you chose to share private things with? If so, how does this make you feel? I am thinking of you, Moof. Please
take good care and know you are in my thoughts.
XO, Pattie
I knew that I would have to deal with both parts of Pattie’s email … but I was just beginning to realize that I would have to deal with a great part of it on my own, quietly, before I could take it into a public forum. In the first few days after we made our posts, my inbox filled with emails. By the time Pattie had written to me, and there was increasing speculation that TNT was not the Peds Resident she claimed to be, the emails had increased exponentially. I still have more than 40 emails from that period that I have to look over in order to see which require answering. If you’re one of the people still waiting for an answer, please be patient with me. I will eventually sort through all of it.
This post is all about tying up the loose ends. Pattie’s email plunged to the very core of the issues … and with her permission, I’m using her email as a launching point in my attempt to sort things out …
Let me attempt to do this …
But, I can’t help but wonder how you feel now that it is out there. Does it help you heal? […] They do hide it like it is something to be ashamed of. It is hard for me to help, because it has never happened to me. I am always one to say that it is best to talk about things…get it out there. Hiding the pain I would think just makes it worse. That of course is my own opinion, and because it hasn’t happened to me, maybe I am not qualified to make that determination.
Yes, people who’ve been raped do tend to hide it. There’s more than one reason for that. It’s difficult to deal with such subject matter, even in the best of circumstances.
There’s a cultural reluctance to bring it up with those you don’t know because of the stigma associated with the subject of rape. The question of what the woman did to “deserve” it is probably the most damaging of speculations that a woman faces. Right behind that rumination comes an entire set of similar cogitations … all queued up nicely like baby ducks in a row.
Even without having said anything, a woman feels somehow “marked.” There’s a sense that everyone who looks hard enough will see some symbol, some aura, that marks her as a “rape victim.” Her privacy has already been invaded to such an extent that even a glance is painful and intrusive.
And then - there are those you know. Somehow that’s even worse than dealing with strangers. With strangers, you can get through it … suffer it out until it’s over … and then hope you never, ever see them again. With friends, family, the look in their eye will be there - tinging every exchange you ever have with them again. Each time you see it - it will be a reminder, a painful memento, a further unwelcome intrusion into your most private places.
A close friend who was dying from breast cancer a number of years ago expressed her pain at the realization that she would never again be treated the same by her friends - there would always be this unwanted reality hanging between her and those she so badly needed to find some sort of normalcy with. She had described the sensation as being “raw all over.” That stayed with me. Emotionally “raw all over” is a very apt description of what a woman who’s been raped feels when she thinks about what happened … and when she sees the “reality” hanging wordlessly between her and those around her.
I’ve been told that I was “brave” for posting what I did. I wasn’t. Not really. A few bloggers who know me quite well know just how hard it is for me to be open in any way - with anyone. It wasn’t bravery that brought any of it out … but rather a determination to get on top of my own inability to relate anything of any real importance about myself to others. If I can admit the most horrible things about myself in a public forum … then perhaps I can also reveal those things that other people find easy to talk about when face to face, but which are nearly impossible for me. Did it succeed? Not quite - not as expected, anyway.
Which leads me into the second part of Pattie’s email …
[T]he woman you posted with, TNT, is not who she says she is. […] Does it make one less trusting? On guard about who you chose to share private things with? If so, how does this make you feel?
When the young woman who called herself TNT and I were exchanging emails, I told her that I felt as if we were two little girls, standing on a dock, holding hands to give each other courage to jump into the icy cold water together. For that “courage,” the courage of feeling as if I was stepping out into the open, naked, but not alone - I owe Jessie my thanks. I would not have done such a thing alone. That said, I would have done it … sooner or later. Someone would have sent me an email talking about rape … Peggikaye perhaps? It would have eventually happened.
At first, I was far more concerned for TNT than I was about having posted something so “raw.” In quickly exchanged emails, she appeared to panic and draw back into herself; by the time she deleted her blog, I was beside myself with concern for her. Over the next 24 hours, I really didn’t have a chance to stop and think about what I’d done, because the “TNT saga” was playing itself out in ever more confusing - and disturbing - detail.
Over the next 36 hours or so, the truth became apparent to myself, and to others who were trying to unearth the facts. Not only was TNT not who she’d had us all believing she was, she was also playing many of the parts in the drama - like a thespian changing costumes for each new role in a one man show. We were able to ascertain quite certainly who we were dealing within fairly short order once put our minds to it.
I’ve always prided myself on having decent “discernment” where people are concerned. I was truly dismayed - unsettled to my core - at having been so wrong about TNT. Toward the end of our communications, even as she was playing the role of the friend who was being a “rat,” she’d sent me a very convincing email …
I can guarantee you that the individual (AKA: “Anonymous”) is reaping enormous satisfaction watching the fire he started blaze. I love blogging, but it’s just not worth the anxiety. Too much can be jeopardized. My concern here, Moofasa, is for you - are you alright? I hope you are taking the time out for yourself that you need. I just read the post on your blog… […] …going back to an email you sent before the ruckus, I borrowed a friend’s digital camera and will have photos as soon as I figure out how to get them onto the computer (*LOL*) if you still want to see them :o) (Of course, I would fully understand if you don’t after all the commotion)
What if … what if she was being honest? If one of “ours” was being harried and harassed, not defending them - standing behind them - would, in itself, be like another rape. What if someone else were doing the same thing to me? How would I defend myself - what would I do? I hesitated in indecision. By time the IP addresses brought the truth to light in an indisputable way, I recognized that this young woman had completely bamboozled me.
Once she realized that the gig really was up, Jessie (TNT) sent me an apology. Here it is, in part:
Moof, I am so sorry. As hard as it probably is to believe, I’ve been completely consumed trying to find a way to make things right…I’m not sure there is one. It’s hard to find a way to explain to you why I did what I did without dumping out details that would only complicate things, but this is going to be my best try. First and foremost: despite what happened, I never, ever meant to hurt anyone, especially you, and it kills me that what I did brought on emotional hurt.
There was quite a bit more … but that sums it all up quite nicely. Of course I forgave her … I’ve never had a problem with unforgiveness. What I decided I couldn’t do, however, was trust myself to be able to discern if she was going off on some other tangent at a later time. This young woman has a serious problem, and without being able to count on my own acuity … trying to be a friend could just enable her to continue playing someone for effect - rather than really trying to get some help, and get on top of her problem. I decided it would be best - for both of us - if I just moved on.
Pattie asked me if it made me less trusting, or more reticent about who I would share private things with. Good questions.
Being trusting is not a problem … face to face, I’ve seldom been wrong about who to trust, and who not to trust. Online - it’s a bit different. I’ll be more aware that there are always people who are not who they say they are. But really, are any of us? We show the world the face we want it to see … those at home see a different side of us than those at work, or on a blog. I will still chose to believe that the side people are showing me is truly a facet of the real person … until they prove otherwise.
Sharing … private things. Well … when I chose to share my “private things,” I chose to do so publicly. So - at least in writing, blogging, I don’t think that will become an issue. What I’m fighting against is not being able to share even regular things with people when I’m nose to nose with them … and I don’t think that TNT affected that in any way.
What I am concerned about, however, is what the TNT experience might do to someone else. When I posted what happened to me, it had the effect of freeing me from having to continue acting as if it had never happened - even in the silence of my own mind. But that’s not all it was intended to do … I wanted to give others the courage to join us … to join me … because once you’ve said it out loud, you can’t undo it. Once it’s out in the open, you never have to hide what happened again. If someone else learns from your example, they may be able to break through the shame and the fear right away … it could start a torrent of healing.
I began to get emails in the first few days after I first posted about the rape … and then, as the TNT mystery came front and center, the focus shifted. People stopped sending me their personal experiences … and began to send condolences. I’m afraid that what’s happened has caused some people who would otherwise have opened up and reached out - not to.
So - as I look back on the entire episode, I don’t regret that I wrote about the rape … but I regret that some people were frightened into silence by one person’s duplicity, and that my efforts - beyond my own healing - were for naught. I sincerely hope that if anyone reading this feels that way … that they’ll reach out to someone. Put a stop the silence - put an end to the shame.
Silence the shame … and shame the silence.
We were gone all day today - up in Portland, meeting with some old friends. It was quite late when I finally got home, and booted up my computer.
Dr. Vijay has asked me to help him get the word out for the next Radiology Grand Rounds!
A Newsy Mishmash:
Easing Slowly Into Blogging:
My Absentee Note: