Waiting in the Dark – Hoping for the Light
I thought I should get in here and post something, because I can see that a lot of people are checking repeatedly, hoping for a word of some sort. I wish I had one … on many levels.
TNT has come to mean a tremendous amount to me in the last week. Her ebullience and exuberance have taken my mind captive, and my heart by storm …
This sweet, bubbly, humorous, intelligent, irrepressible little lady had become the front and center of my everything over this last week … adopted daughter, worry focus – because she’d been sick since the 22nd, and I was so worried for her health, and center of my courage … a position in which we should probably never put another human being. I’m sorry that I was so selfish.
TNT, whether you’re who you say you are or not doesn’t matter nearly as much as what we shared over this last week. I thank you for giving me laughs that I wouldn’t otherwise have had … worry for another person, that would have otherwise been spent on useless worry for myself … and courage – ohmygodcourage – to do something I would never have been able to do without you. Dear heart … if you vanish from my life, how will I ever be able to thank you?
To everyone who’s been speculating – please, stop! Either TNT is, indeed, who she says she is … and is yet again being raped by someone who is trying to steal her identity, and destroy her memory among us … or she’s the most brilliant little 18 year old lady I’ve ever had the joy of knowing. Either way … she’s a hurting puppy, and needs our help.
TNT … please, if you are the person we’ve come to know, take your courage by the b*lls and contact one of us … with a way that we can verify what you’re saying. No one will give your identity – or location – away. You’ll still be safe. We will close around you in a protective circle – and protect you from the harm that “anonymous” wants to drench you in. All the person you contact will do is proclaim that you are, indeed, TNT. That’s all we need. Don’t cause us to believe that you are not really who you’ve shown us … by mere default, through silence – or through fear. Together, we can conquer this.
If you’re not TNT … (or rather, you really are, since it takes a lot of moxie to pull off what you did so darn well,) then we still would love you where you are, and as who you are. Do you think you have to be an Irish doctor who’s been raped before you can be loved? Dear Heart … you are already loved – unconditionally, no matter who you are. Just please, please don’t vanish … since you are who I grew so fond of … and not your persona …
And this is a lesson for all of us … and it’s multi-pronged …
We don’t know who we’re dealing with … when you love someone in a blog, online, you love an idea, and not a person. That’s fine – as long as you’re aware of it.
When we reveal too much of ourselves, we risk standing in the middle of a silent circle of watchers, baring what and who we are to a world that may or may not care. Our trust and courage may find love, affirmation, encouragement, empathy … or it may find indifference … or it may even uncover antipathy. It will probably do all of the above, in one individual or another. As long as we’re aware of that, ready for that – it’s OK.
This fits in a bit with what Borneo Breezes and I exchanged earlier in the week … we need to be ready and willing to accept whatever our words evoke in those who stumble upon our tiny home in the blogosphere. It can be warm and positive … negative and hurtful … or downright frightening … for example, if TNT is really who she says she is.
Dialogue, growth … the expansion of our own boundaries … only happens when we open ourselves in spite of the fear and the dangers inherent to the unknown. The greatest effort reaps the greatest reward, because what you get out of it all is completely dependent on you.
August 31st, 2006 at 8:17 pm
Well said Moof. Please allow your mind to rest and stop thinking about this for a short while. You need a good sleep and the perspective that only time will bring. There are also many willing people who will look out for TNT in this community (Fat Doctor, Flea, etc). Remember that this has been a tough week for you too! If TNT is truly the warm person who wrote the things she did then she needs to help lay your own mind at ease.
August 31st, 2006 at 8:34 pm
Moof, I ditto what Dr. Grumet just said. We really have no idea what happened to her. Iam just as guilty as everyone else when it comes to speculation. Something I have blogged about hating so much when others do it. I’m no better than anyone else. I’m ashamed that I’m not as forgiving as you. I tend to be like the mother bear with a wounded cub, when those I care about are hurt. I want to strike out at those who have caused it. Act first, ask questions later. Not a good quality at all.
Get some rest Moof and know that many people care for you. Right now you just take care of you.
Cathy
August 31st, 2006 at 9:01 pm
My only concern in this matter was for you and TNT.. weather or not TNT was a doc …. I enjoyed her writting and stories.. she was moving and eloquent.. my actual first thought was .. is she ok..Those anon comments on her blog were .. scary, for me at least. I read them and my heart stopped cold..My second thought was Oh My God what is moof thinking… after all the e-mail exchanges and conversations.. how is Moof… My second question is answered.. I just hope my first is going to be answered in a positive way as well. Your right if she wasn’t who she said she was then wow… she is one gifted writter and I wish she would share more. I am sorry for you that things had to fall into place like this but also, I somehow knew you would end up looking at it like this… and am very comforted to know that you are everything i thought you were and more.. hugs to you moof and may your dreams be sweet.
August 31st, 2006 at 9:04 pm
Sleep well, Moof. I’m on the lookout for our friend.
best,
Flea
August 31st, 2006 at 9:40 pm
Whoever she is, I hope she is OK. And I hope she contacts someone to let us know that she is OK. You have done what you could, Moof, and done it eloquently. My prayers are with you both. Sweet dreams.
August 31st, 2006 at 11:09 pm
Moof please please rest.
I, too, am worried about our friend TNT. I worry much about her and when I get on, it’s the first thing I check for is news about her.
My mind has come up with more scenerio’s of how she can be being manipulated in this than it really have happened.
TNT, dear, I’m praying for you. Please please contact Moof or I. We care for you …we love you … we are worried about you!
Pk
September 1st, 2006 at 12:01 am
Moof,
I can’t get your email to work. I would like to speak to you privately. Take my word TNT is Perfectly Fine. I have a blog under this name that you can get my email address. Thank you.
September 1st, 2006 at 1:01 am
Dear Moof,
For someone who hides behind a pseudonymous blog, your bravery over the past few days has been humbling.
September 1st, 2006 at 6:35 am
Moof – I hope that you have had a private communication – something more than the letter that TNT has left up at her blog. I’m producing it below in case it disappears.
Regards – Shinga
September 1st, 2006 at 10:48 am
Moof–Everyone else said what I wanted to say, so I’ll just say “Amen.”
September 1st, 2006 at 5:35 pm
Shinga–thanks for saving the letter; it seems to be gone now too. This post is the one that actually sounds to me like an 18-year-old, and not, I think, because I’m looking through the retrospectoscope.
September 1st, 2006 at 7:18 pm
Don’t have a clue what’s going on here but I’ll join in the pleas for Moof to rest…
Shel
September 1st, 2006 at 7:46 pm
Moof, my main concern is your care. We have become good friends in a short period of time. I have read TNT’s blog and comments about her and wish her the best – whoever she may be; however our friendship is far more important to me.
September 1st, 2006 at 11:28 pm
Moof, I’m worrying about you, are you ok?
*hugs* and *prayers*
September 2nd, 2006 at 5:11 am
Well Moof, Life’s like that. All of us do not know where TNT has gone. Maybe you do or maybe you do not! Everyone is worried because ther is silence form your side. But I am not worried about you! I know you are strong! You have been very brave until now and thats the way to go. Irrespective of what TNT says or does we are here for you. TNT is an adult …and I am sure she will take good care of her self. Worrying over her will not help bring her back. She will return when she wants to …maybe you need to giver her sometime. Maybe you need to give yourself some time. maybe we all need to sit back and relax a little.
What a tumultous week it has been!
September 2nd, 2006 at 6:04 am
Moof, have you been keeping up with reading Dr. Heberts posts on the hurricane? Also, I very much would like your opinion on some things I have posted about. When you get time come over and leave me a comment. Iam lost without your daily visits!
Do it, if for no other reason than to shut me up. Because dear heart, I shall come everyday until you decide to visit me. I care very much for you and I’m not going any where.
September 2nd, 2006 at 10:13 am
Moof,
I have been back here many times to re-read this post and the comments. I wasn’t sure what to write…so here is what I can offer:
I am amazed at your loving attitude through this.
You are a caring person….something I thought I was, until I read your response about this situation. I guess I still have much to learn about compassion, caring, and forgiveness. You teach yet another valuable lesson. I wanted you to know you are in my thoughts. I hope you are doing ok….(HUGS)
February 9th, 2009 at 2:35 pm
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