This week’s Grand Rounds is up at Dr. Deborah Serani’s blog … !!!

Dr. Deb says:

“When I was in graduate school, my most enjoyable times were on Thursdays, when “Grand Rounds” was scheduled in the hospital where I had an internship. Some 20 years later, here I am still learning and sharing in the Grand Rounds tradition.”

She then proceeds to take us on a journey, scene by scene, through grand rounds in a Mental Health Clinic, a Medical Center, a Patient Waiting Room … we even get to peek into the Pharmacy … and once it’s all over, we all get to enjoy the Coffee House.

Dr. Deb is not only a very capable psychologist and blogger, she’s also very talented and creative. This Grand Rounds is a “must-see!”

The Carnival Against Child Abuse has just posted for the first time!

Marj at Survivors Can Thrive has done an amazing job organizing it, and putting it all together. I guess this is No. 1, Vol. 1 …

Go on over and take a look, give her a bit of support. She’s certainly earned it!

Do children who were sexually abused grow up to become adults who marry abusive spouses?

By the time I got married, I was 23 years old, and living a thousand miles away from home in Georgia. I’m certain that I was over the abuse I had suffered as a child … it seldom entered my mind, and when it did, it didn’t arouse any negative emotions. It was a memory, a bad memory. I had thought about it often enough - long enough … it no longer had the power to overwhelm me, or cause me to become anxious and angry.

The man I married was a red headed, hot tempered, handsome Georgia boy. He could be so sweet … and he could also be very cruel. What started as insults and escalated to verbal abuse, eventually came to the point of outright physical abuse. I became a battered wife … away from my entire family … with no support system. At the time, I was not allowed to have a license or a job … and even visits from other women became a cause for harsh treatment.

In the last few months of our marriage, he moved my year and a half old daughter and I out into the boonies of Cumming, GA. Our mobile home was backed into a little niche behind a big white farm house, and it felt as if we’d hidden from the world. We had no power … the only lights were car “dashbulb” lights, powered by a car battery, which he recharged during the day by hooking it up to a lawnmower motor. There was no fridge - we lived out of a cooler. He was often hopped up on amphetamines, and seldom kept a job for very long … he was too prone to getting into fights.

Once out in the country, where no one would hear me scream … I knew … it was only a matter of time before he went into one of his rages and went too far. I would end up dying there, a victim of his abuse.

Those who are interested in seeing the the story which summarizes how the abuse finally came to an end, you’re welcome to visit my other blog. There’s a lot yet to be written there, but it does tell the story of the end of 5 years of abuse.

I’ve asked myself many times since those very difficult days — was there something within me which caused me to be attracted to a jealous, paranoid, abusive mate? If there was, it wasn’t because I married “someone just like Dad” … my Dad had never raised his voice to us, never mind his hand. All he had to do was shake his head at us, and we were hard put to not sob our little hearts out.

The only abuse I’d ever suffered, was the sexual abuse I wrote about in a previous post.

If my being drawn to someone like my ex (and now late) husband had nothing to do with the previous abuse, then I wonder if staying with him for 5 years … 4 of which were quite frightening at times … might have had something to do with it.

A commenter named Michelle left the following comment on the above mentioned post:

There has remained with me the realization that even young children who deliberately continue to place themselves in situations of abuse - are complicit in some ways.

I never could put some of the guilty feelings and the realization that I might be responsible for the abuse in words before. I know it isn’t a popular view and for some reason I don’t put it on other kids just myself at the time. Again not sure why.

Thank you for posting this. I’ve been thinking of a few of the incidents in my past these last couple of months more and more. I used to avoid talking about them and now I am forcing myself to slowly. From a song by Oh Susanna

No matter how fast you run
you end up where you started from
to face the secret that you were forced to keep

believe me when I say my friend
I love you more than anything
through the truth our lives will be released

I am hoping my life will be released with the truth

Sometimes, the years aren’t enough to wash away the damage left behind by the reality of those truths, and we have to get into there with a magnifying glass and an emotional scrub brush …

In my own mind and heart, I know that although I was a victim of child sexual abuse, that I was able to put what my abuser did behind me. I mentioned that I had a harder time forgiving myself. I’ve not only had a lot of comments on that statement, but I’ve also gotten emails. Only another child abuse victim would understand what I mean … Michelle’s comment corroborates that. We can forgive the perpetrator … we can move beyond the hurts another person inflicts on us, because those came from the outside … but our own inner choices … are something else completely. Those can be seriously damaging, especially if you have a hard time coming to terms with them.

Brushing it off does not help. Encouraging someone to “not think about it,” does not help. Telling someone that they were too young to understand, and thus have no blame … does not help. If they believe that it matters …. then for them, it does matter, and needs to be addressed, dealt with, and moved beyond.

What does this have to do with spousal abuse?

Is there a connection between not having dealt with my self image and remaining with an abusive husband for all of those years? What causes a woman to stay with a man who is cruel, abusive and dangerous? We all know, in some quiet place in the center of ourselves, that it’s wrong to treat another human being disrespectfully … and it’s just as wrong to allow ourselves to be mistreated. And yet … for some of us, it becomes a sorrowfully consumed daily fare.

Is there a place inside that whispers quietly, “You’re a bad person, and you deserved that?” Probably not that you ever become consciously aware of, but I think it’s there, all the same, waiting to be recognized, dealt with, and overcome. Hoping that the spouse will change is not enough. Hope stretches only so far when you’re in the process of being beaten. There’s got to be something hiding inside that keeps you there for the next beating, and the one after that …

Yes, I know that there is hope that the spouse will change. And yes, there’s even love for the abuser … but neither the hope, nor the love is a reason to remain in this sort of a situation. Abusive spouses are like child abusers, they’re ill … once they’re begun to hurt you, they will continue to hurt you. The first time is always the hardest … it goes downhill fast from there.

And I don’t care what anyone says, you do not feel all mushy-huggy while someone is beating you. You do not feel all soft and warm inside when you’re nursing your bruises - or worse - later. That feeling is in your gut is fear — fear of your spouse, and fear of leaving what you do know, for what you don’t know.

Taking a long hard look at the inner motives behind what we do … and what we do not do … can be a painful, revealing experience. But once we see what’s hiding in there, we can begin to empty the closets … even better, we can find the temerity to step out of the closet ourselves.

In a comment left on the first child sexual abuse post, Dr. Michael Hebert said:

[...] this post brings to mind one of my all time favorite quotes, from Eleanor Roosevelt (who is one of my personal heroes): “No one can make you feel inferior without your permission.”

How true.

So … why do we? Whose “victims” are we really?

Grand Rounds is up at the Haversian Canal!

Niels Olson has put it all together for us … in a clear and easy to read manner. Great job!

This is what Niels wrote regarding his intentions as host of Grand Rounds this week:

I will link to thirty articles from thirty authors. My goal is not to select the most popular bloggers or those I think are the best. I want the thirty best articles written. I don’t care when they were written, how many times they’ve been edited, or what your credentials are.

I submitted one this time … and really didn’t think that he would use it - but he did! I’m amazed! *blush*

Many of my favorite bloggers are represented this week. Go on over and take a look! I’m going to be busy all day, but I intend to get over myself and read them all before my head hits the pillow tonight even if I need toothpicks to keep my eyes open! ;o)

In the last few weeks, the subject of sexual abuse has come up repeatedly. When Peggikaye wrote and told me about her fear of having given away her “secret” on her blog, I offered to write about my own experiences with abuse as a child, and gently lead her to write her own story alongside mine … because there’s strength in numbers, and healing in honest release.

So Peggikaye took a deep breath and plunged! She and I wrote about the abuse we suffered as children, and posted it for the world to see:

Now, there’s no more need to hide … in the openness of daylight and fresh air, the healing can begin.

I thought that would be the end of it, however a few days later, I got another email from a friend and fellow blogger. She had also experienced sexual abuse as a child. Her own story, however, was quite different. Like myself, she had already healed from its effects, but unlike myself - she wasn’t allowed to reap the rewards of her healing and hard work. She asked for the anonymity of posting her story on my blog. Of course, I agreed.

And so … we posted yet another perspective on child abuse and its ongoing negative effects - this time caused by a thoughtless medical professional, rather than the abuser …

Finally, in the completely unrelated venue of my college classroom, a fellow classmate mentioned his own abuse as a child. I was beginning to feel as if I was experiencing a bit of “déjà vu.” I replied to his post, giving him the address to this blog. That started yet another intensely affective conversation on abuse from still different perspectives …

This seems to bring the matter full circle, completing what Peggikaye started with her email - afraid, and still wanting to hide after all of these years … all the way to a concerned father asking how he can prevent such a thing from happening to his own son or daughter.

I have a feeling that there are yet perspectives unexplored. Child sexual abuse is abuse that doesn’t stop with the end of the actual offense. There’s a tremendous need for healing which only comes when a person is able to break out of the cycle of shame and fear.

And then, there’s the label: victim of molestation! Is there any way to not be defined by that label once the victims have picked themselves up out of the mud and filth, picked up the shattered pieces of their lives, faced the pain and anger, and through immense, almost superhuman effort, restored their self respect and reestablished their sense of self worth? Will people continue to try to steal their hard earned healing away from them with a label which is now unjust and untrue … a label that makes a mockery of their efforts and success?

No, the story isn’t fully told yet. It will continue … if not on this blog, then elsewhere - in the blistered hearts of so many people who’ve suffered in the dark silence of a seemingly endless struggle against shame and fear. And even when the victory over the waking nightmare is won, those newly healed hearts will break again when confronted by the doubters and naysayers, the arrogant patronizers who would steal away whatever good can be salvaged from the wreckage of broken lives and bitter truths.