Love Shouldn’t Ever Leave Bruises
Do children who were sexually abused grow up to become adults who marry abusive spouses?
By the time I got married, I was 23 years old, and living a thousand miles away from home in Georgia. I’m certain that I was over the abuse I had suffered as a child … it seldom entered my mind, and when it did, it didn’t arouse any negative emotions. It was a memory, a bad memory. I had thought about it often enough – long enough … it no longer had the power to overwhelm me, or cause me to become anxious and angry.
The man I married was a red headed, hot tempered, handsome Georgia boy. He could be so sweet … and he could also be very cruel. What started as insults and escalated to verbal abuse, eventually came to the point of outright physical abuse. I became a battered wife … away from my entire family … with no support system. At the time, I was not allowed to have a license or a job … and even visits from other women became a cause for harsh treatment.
In the last few months of our marriage, he moved my year and a half old daughter and I out into the boonies of Cumming, GA. Our mobile home was backed into a little niche behind a big white farm house, and it felt as if we’d hidden from the world. We had no power … the only lights were car “dashbulb” lights, powered by a car battery, which he recharged during the day by hooking it up to a lawnmower motor. There was no fridge – we lived out of a cooler. He was often hopped up on amphetamines, and seldom kept a job for very long … he was too prone to getting into fights.
Once out in the country, where no one would hear me scream … I knew … it was only a matter of time before he went into one of his rages and went too far. I would end up dying there, a victim of his abuse.
Those who are interested in seeing the the story which summarizes how the abuse finally came to an end, you’re welcome to visit my other blog. There’s a lot yet to be written there, but it does tell the story of the end of 5 years of abuse.
I’ve asked myself many times since those very difficult days — was there something within me which caused me to be attracted to a jealous, paranoid, abusive mate? If there was, it wasn’t because I married “someone just like Dad” … my Dad had never raised his voice to us, never mind his hand. All he had to do was shake his head at us, and we were hard put to not sob our little hearts out.
The only abuse I’d ever suffered, was the sexual abuse I wrote about in a previous post.
If my being drawn to someone like my ex (and now late) husband had nothing to do with the previous abuse, then I wonder if staying with him for 5 years … 4 of which were quite frightening at times … might have had something to do with it.
A commenter named Michelle left the following comment on the above mentioned post:
There has remained with me the realization that even young children who deliberately continue to place themselves in situations of abuse – are complicit in some ways.
I never could put some of the guilty feelings and the realization that I might be responsible for the abuse in words before. I know it isn’t a popular view and for some reason I don’t put it on other kids just myself at the time. Again not sure why.
Thank you for posting this. I’ve been thinking of a few of the incidents in my past these last couple of months more and more. I used to avoid talking about them and now I am forcing myself to slowly. From a song by Oh Susanna
No matter how fast you run
you end up where you started from
to face the secret that you were forced to keepbelieve me when I say my friend
I love you more than anything
through the truth our lives will be releasedI am hoping my life will be released with the truth
Sometimes, the years aren’t enough to wash away the damage left behind by the reality of those truths, and we have to get into there with a magnifying glass and an emotional scrub brush …
In my own mind and heart, I know that although I was a victim of child sexual abuse, that I was able to put what my abuser did behind me. I mentioned that I had a harder time forgiving myself. I’ve not only had a lot of comments on that statement, but I’ve also gotten emails. Only another child abuse victim would understand what I mean … Michelle’s comment corroborates that. We can forgive the perpetrator … we can move beyond the hurts another person inflicts on us, because those came from the outside … but our own inner choices … are something else completely. Those can be seriously damaging, especially if you have a hard time coming to terms with them.
Brushing it off does not help. Encouraging someone to “not think about it,” does not help. Telling someone that they were too young to understand, and thus have no blame … does not help. If they believe that it matters …. then for them, it does matter, and needs to be addressed, dealt with, and moved beyond.
What does this have to do with spousal abuse?
Is there a connection between not having dealt with my self image and remaining with an abusive husband for all of those years? What causes a woman to stay with a man who is cruel, abusive and dangerous? We all know, in some quiet place in the center of ourselves, that it’s wrong to treat another human being disrespectfully … and it’s just as wrong to allow ourselves to be mistreated. And yet … for some of us, it becomes a sorrowfully consumed daily fare.
Is there a place inside that whispers quietly, “You’re a bad person, and you deserved that?” Probably not that you ever become consciously aware of, but I think it’s there, all the same, waiting to be recognized, dealt with, and overcome. Hoping that the spouse will change is not enough. Hope stretches only so far when you’re in the process of being beaten. There’s got to be something hiding inside that keeps you there for the next beating, and the one after that …
Yes, I know that there is hope that the spouse will change. And yes, there’s even love for the abuser … but neither the hope, nor the love is a reason to remain in this sort of a situation. Abusive spouses are like child abusers, they’re ill … once they’re begun to hurt you, they will continue to hurt you. The first time is always the hardest … it goes downhill fast from there.
And I don’t care what anyone says, you do not feel all mushy-huggy while someone is beating you. You do not feel all soft and warm inside when you’re nursing your bruises – or worse – later. That feeling is in your gut is fear — fear of your spouse, and fear of leaving what you do know, for what you don’t know.
Taking a long hard look at the inner motives behind what we do … and what we do not do … can be a painful, revealing experience. But once we see what’s hiding in there, we can begin to empty the closets … even better, we can find the temerity to step out of the closet ourselves.
In a comment left on the first child sexual abuse post, Dr. Michael Hebert said:
[...] this post brings to mind one of my all time favorite quotes, from Eleanor Roosevelt (who is one of my personal heroes): “No one can make you feel inferior without your permission.â€
How true.
So … why do we? Whose “victims” are we really?
June 18th, 2006 at 7:15 pm
I hate to admit it, but I also married an abuser after both sexual and physcial abuse as a child. Why did I stay with him so long? I don’t know. I am so much happier now. I would advise anyone who is with an abuser to get as quickly as possible. It doesn’t get better. You are not helping your children. In fact you might be teaching the next generation that “Abuse is ok”. Abuse mental, physical, or sxual hurt for a very long time. Get out. Stop the cycle.
Learn to love yourself.
June 18th, 2006 at 10:56 pm
Hey Moof.
God Bless You.
June 19th, 2006 at 8:04 am
Moof,
First of all, I am sorry that you had to endure 5 years of abuse at the hands of another person. I cannot imagine the pain and terror of being abused. I am also sure it must be hard to talk about it, so thank you for putting yourself out there. Abuse is not an easy thing to discuss, particularly when it brings back such painful memories.
I think you make an excellent point. I think it is MUCH harder to forgive ourselves when we blame ourselves for something. The mind is a powerful force to be reckond with. You are the victim, yet, you also become the judge and the jury against yourself, and those voices are harder to ignore.
I am glad you got yourself out of a bad situation, and I look forward to reading your other blog. I truly hope that you have broken the cycle now….I hope you have. I admire your strength and courage. You are a special lady. *hug*
June 19th, 2006 at 12:25 pm
I have to admit that someone who has not experienced sexual abuse can’t truly understand the condition. In a recent blog, I was critical of some of the complaints I read. My only “sexual abuse” occurred in my infancy, which, to the best of my comprehension, caused no psychic trauma in later years. Once the concept of shame develops, the outcome is often quite different.
Although not fully understanding it, I still grieve for the trauma of the afflicted victims.
June 19th, 2006 at 1:39 pm
I have waited for a bit to post on this cause I wasn’t sure what to say. I’m still not. What I have read from the other blog is heartrending to say the least. It sounds like you have managed to overcome that so all i can say is thank you for sharing, and I hope that you have found peace within yourself concerning this. Hugs and love
PS I put up a link on my blog to this post, hope you don’t mind.
June 19th, 2006 at 1:40 pm
Moof:
Truly I don’t mean to make light of this, but I never would have pegged you as a person living in a trailer in Georgia. And I thought I had it bad in McComb, Mississippi.
More seriously, I think people tend to psychoanalyze abusive situations too much. I can’t crow here, because when I get depressed I go into analysis mode myself. But it may be more instructive to think about abusive situations from an anthropological or even evolutionary standpoint.
In a tribal society, a person would choose a mate who is most likely to insure his or her survival, and the survival of children. From that standpoint, it is obvious that a woman would be attracted to an athlete. Strength and physical fitness mean a lot when it comes to providing for a family.
Any woman, no matter how refined, could still have a vestigial attraction to an alpha male. Alpha males tend to be aggressive, domineering, even abusive. But it is a reasonable strategy (although maybe not a correct one) to choose a mate who is strong and aggressive. A bad boy may be tough to live with, but he will fight off the enemies.
This kind of cave man philosophy may not appeal to you. But it is very possible that many women who choose abusive husbands are not choosing to be abused, they are just picking partners they think will likely be good protectors. As I said, it is flawed thinking, but not dumb.
I base my understanding of people on the idea that all people are trying to survive. Some pick good survival strategies, some pick poor ones. This is not the same as saying that people are faulty. It is their decisions that are wrong, and this is not same thing.
Perhaps you could say “I made a wrong decision, but I did have a reason for it. I was just trying to survive.” Maybe this is an easier way to look at things than saying, “I am self-destructive.”
Thanks for the post.
June 20th, 2006 at 1:24 am
hi Moof,
Sorry for what you’ve endured. Anyway, everything will be alright.
I’m new in blogging, but you’re one of those few people I find easier to talk to. Yes, if you believe in “good vibes”, you have that.
I keep coming back to your blog these past 2 days but I don’t know what to write after reading these. Anyway, I’ve finally found words.
Bless you! Remember, scarred people are beautiful. :)
June 20th, 2006 at 9:36 am
Moof, I read every word of this on “your other BLOG” yesterday. I didn’t know what to say after reading all that. I’m sorry someone thought they had the right to treat you in that way.
It must have been horrifying, not knowing if you would ever find your child again. I can’t pretend to know how you felt during all of it.
You know Moof, the things we endure is what molds us into the people we become. “Without suffering, there would be no compassion.” You suffered so much pain, caused by other people, but it has made you into this very caring compassionate person we know today. If any good came from all those horrifying things that was surely it…:)
June 20th, 2006 at 4:28 pm
Wanda – thank you for posting that, and for sharing that advice. You make some very good points.
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TJ … and may He bless you too! Do you realize that’s the first time I’ve seen you not add your signature”sign off” “laters … ” ?
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Pattie … thank you for your comment! These are all things which I’ve managed to put behing me over the years, but I feel that people may still be able to get something from the telling.
A physician friend once told that he thought I might have post traumatic stress disorder from my Georgia days, but I really don’t I do. I can see where the circumstances affected my choices in those years just afterward, though … and how those choices, in their turn, affect my life today.
About forgiving ourselves … very important. The internal stuff is far more affective on how we feel than the external stuff is. Once we’ve wiped away the grunge that has been splattered onto us by others, we still have to face whatever is underneath it all.
I hope you’re not exhausting yourself with your moving! Let us know how things are going …
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Dr. Engel, it’s always good to see you. Thank you for stopping in and leaving a comment. I find your concept of shame very interesting. I wonder how much of the damage we do to ourselves is borne from that very same sense of shame … ?
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Wolfbaby, my dear friend, you said: “It sounds like you have managed to overcome that so all i can say is thank you for sharing, and I hope that you have found peace within yourself concerning this.
Yes, I have “managed to overcome” it, and I was only a little hesitant to share it … because whatever we give away of ourselves alters other people’s perceptions of us. I’m not any different now than I was before I shared it …
Yes, I’ve learned to fear exposure just a bit because of the lesson you shared. No one wants to be labeled a “victim” when they’ve struggled hard to overcome their broken places. It makes all of the efforts seem pointless … although they are not.
I felt that sharing was worth the risk if it encouraged anyone else in any way.
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Dr. Hebert … I can always count on you for a breath of fresh air! *LOL*
You make some excellent points, and I hope you don’t mind if I incorporate those ideas into my own repertoire! :o)
I laughed out loud when I read: “I never would have pegged you as a person living in a trailer in Georgia” … ahhh, my friend, the truth is so often stranger than fiction. More to come over the next few months on that score …
Sometimes the surface can be deceptive in more than one way.
I remember that awful time, so many years ago, suddenly finding myself “in the system,” and raging silently against those who so quickly and simply dropped me into that unkind little niche, circumstances notwithstanding, that I wasn’t like that …
… and even as all that I am rebelled against their categorizations, I never realized until many years later that in the process, I was categorizing myself – and so many others.
It was not the first time I learned a lesson about how inaccurate our impressions of others might be … and it wasn’t the last.
Thanks so much for your comment. You’ve given me a lot to think about.
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Ipanema, that was beautiful … thank you so much for visiting me, and for saying such thoughtful, kind words. I’ve got to say that I’m a bit in awe of your life, as little of it as I’ve been able to read on your blog. Welcome to the blogosphere … I hope that we can get to know each other through this amazing media.
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Cathy, looking back, the worst of it was definitely the loss of my daughter. I’ve been searching for the things I wrote while she was gone, and I haven’t managed to put my hands on them yet. If I do, I’ll blog about them. To this day, I don’t believe I’m capable of expressing the depth of the agony a parent feels when they believe they’ve lost a child — for any cause.
All of this happened long before there were laws against parents leaving a state and going into hiding with their children. Every time I hear about a parent on the run with a child which was taken away from them in a divorce, I wonder what the truth behind the story really is — and what agony the parents both face when they’re separated from their babies. My heart dies another little death with each new case.
Thank you for your kindness Cathy. *hugs!*
August 28th, 2006 at 7:07 pm
[...] I’d been away from my abusive husband long enough to no longer worry about his finding me, and the son I’d been five months pregnant for when I left him was having his first birthday in just a few days. I was living in a small apartment in Winthrop Village, Maine, and had been for the better part of a year … with no car, no adult companionship. I found that I was beginning to scare myself … I knew that I couldn’t be alone like that for much longer. A simple knock on the door would bring my heart to my throat … people would visit and I didn’t know how to act anymore — I had nothing to say to them. I remember wondering if I were losing my mind. Entire weeks would pass without seeing a soul other than my two babies … and I spent a great deal of time snowed in, unable to step outside at all. My parents would drive up every few weeks to take me grocery shopping. They were the only people I saw. [...]