And the Healing Continues …
In one of our psychology class’ online threads, a classmate mentioned his past experiences with having been abused. His post struck me quite powerfully, because it seemed to just continue the conversations we’ve been having here about the same subject.
I replied to Lucas’ post, and directed him to this blog. What followed was very interesting, and fits quite well with the other two recent posts on the same subject:
Another Need for Healing
The names have been changed, but the conversation is unaltered:
Lucas – 5 Jun 06 – 5:31 PM MST
In reference to the therapy methods discussed in the lecture notes, I would have to say that the cognitive therapy method applies to my method of dealing with my various “situations.” As a victim of nearly every kind of abuse (I do mean every kind) I have had to re-learn most of my mental processes or simply walk to the edge of sanity and “jump off voluntarily.” Correcting my faulty thought processes and beliefs about what may happen (futuristically) has been the saving grace for me thus far. I am grateful for this class for introducing me to people such as Aaron Beck whose works are, while new, I relate to most of the thinking patterns that he has identified – help has come in various forms over the years. I am reinforced in my thinking by seeing that I was on the “right track” with regards to survival. I must stay fit (mentally) as well as physically – this is my motto.
Moof – 5 Jun 06 – 9:00 PM MST
Lucas, I’m sorry to hear that you have been a victim of nearly every kind of abuse. Perhaps the pain you’ve endured is what’s caused you to have so much depth.
Only this last week, I blogged about having been abused as a child … I did so to give another lady the courage to speak up, and begin to be open about her own childhood abuse.
It’s the post called “A time to heal … ”
I’ve found blogging to be therapeutic where all of my own brokennesses are concerned, because it not only provides the release of journalizing, it also adds an extra dimension: affirmation from a number of sources.
I was amazed at the response in my comments section … I heard from people who had never left comments before. There are so many hurting people who have been abused, both as children and adults … and most of them are ashamed and embarrassed to be open about it, and so their pain continues.
It’s really sad.
Lucas – 6 Jun 06 – 10:18 AM MST
Moof, I went to the link. My mind sees clearly what happened inside both of your accounts. I feel and smell and taste what victims do when “in this situation.” I admit that children are like lambs. They return to the scene of the crime until the deed is done (we’re dead or we’re used up). It’s called Innocence.
A lamb is a sacrificial creature….given to giving all.
So, don’t be mad at yourself……we all have “lamb” in us.
Much Love to you and your sweet friend….. :)
Truly I’m at a loss for words on this subject matter…..most of them may be better left unsaid anyway, right?
Anton Robbins – 6 Jun 06 – 11:13 PM MST
Moof,
I don’t understand it.
Very powerful Blog.
One question. I don’t understand the forgiving healing position.
Could you explain?
Why forgive the sicko? I understand getting it out in the open and releasing the “secret” which is not only healthy for the individual but for the society as well. But I don’t understand the forgiving the sicko.
Moof very powerful stuff. It is really sad.
Ever since my daughter was born I have been increasingly paranoid. My wife and I talk about ways to prevent something like that from happening to her. You watch TV, read Blogs etc and it just rips your heart out. How do you stop it? Well. Bringing out into the open definitely is one of the answers. Awareness. So when you tell your “secret” to the world you have helped someone else. Guaranteed. Telling the secret will prevent it from happening to someone else because someone who read your post is now Aware. And from reading “Q’s” post it obviously brings him comfort knowing there are a lot of people who understand and who have been in his shoes.
Moof, what advice would you give to prevent that from happening to someone’s daughter/son?
Powerful stuff Moof.
Moof – 7 Jun 06 – 8:48 AM MST
“One question. I don’t understand the forgiving healing position. Could you explain?”
Anton, you’re on to one of my favorite subjects. I would love to explain.
There are a million different ways to explain this, but since this is a psychology class, I’ll go ahead and use the pure model rather than an objective parable.
Holding a grudge is a form of hatred. When you refuse to forgive someone, you’re not engaging in a passing, fleeting negative emotion that is here the moment you think of it, and gone in the next as other things begin to take your attention.
For example … say you don’t like a particular comedian … you’ve never met him, but he irritates you. You see him on your TV screen, a negative emotion wells up … you change the channel. Soon you’re involved in a new story line as you watch something you enjoy, and you’ve forgotten the irritation until you see the comedian again next time. Not real good for you, but not too damaging either – since it only pops up occasionally and doesn’t take too much energy from you while it’s there. It’s a passive dislike.
Holding a grudge is a running hatred. It’s not passive dislike, it’s active dislike. It takes energy to maintain. The energy that it takes is a negative energy. That negative energy is what associates emotional problems with physical illness … something bad happens to you, and you become emotionally involved in what happened. You’re angry, upset, your homeostasis goes off a bit, and you catch a cold … or you’re distracted and become more prone to accidents … or you worry about it so much that you begin to have blood pressure problems, or heart disease … headaches. Some studies go so far as to associate anger and cancer.
Anger, hatred … are far more destructive to you than they are to the person you hate or are angry at. You carry that around with you like a stone you’re nurturing in your gut … or a cancer that festers in your depths. It’s hurtful to you … not to the object of your hatred.
If you read my own “story” carefully, you must realize that the damage I was doing to myself through hatred was far worse than the damage the fellow had done to me. What he had done was external, something I could face, look at, go through my necessary changes over, and then, once I could let go and forgive – move on, stronger than before.
However, the hatred I was harboring was internal … and as long as I nursed that hatred, I could not heal and move on. You cannot move on from a hurt if you continue to carry a facet of that hurt with you as a talisman … hatred and unforgiveness are like that.
To sum up: hatred and unforgiveness are internal negatives that you have to expend energy to maintain. That hurts you far more than it hurts the object of your hatred … who may not even be aware of how much you hate him, and even if he is, probably could care less.
“what advice would you give to prevent that from happening to someone’s daughter/son?”
My advice is:
1) Know where your kids go when they’re not with you.
2) Know who your kids are with … and their families.
3) If someone of an odd age is part of your kids’ entourage, find out about them.
4) Watch for mood changes in your kids … or unusual reactions to things that never bothered them before. Are they withdrawn? Do they let you hug them? Is there a person they’re having a hard time talking about … ?
5) COMMUNICATE with your kids!!! Make sure that there’s nothing that they would ever be afraid to tell you about. Make sure that there’s NO SUCH THING as a taboo subject in your home.
If you’ve got #5 … then you’ve got ALL of them.
By the way – paranoia won’t help … openness, communication, love, overt affection … those will help.
The idea isn’t keeping everything on the outside of a family from getting in … it’s the idea of being so close and open on the inside of the family that nothing damaging can sneak in from the outside. Communication, closeness, vigilance.
Anton Robbins – 8 Jun 06 – 1:22 AM MST
Moof,
Thank you very much.
That was a very clear and understandable explanation.
My wife tells me the same that paranoia won’t help but still I worry a lot.
Moof and Lucas, I cannot tell you how much your postings have meant to me. Thank you very much.
Moof – 8 Jun 06 – 5:37 AM MST
Anton, thank you. That really touched me.
Lucas – 7 Jun 06 – 6:55 PM MST
Great questions, Anton Robbins. While I’m not Moof, I want to provide some things that I’ve noticed. Please allow me to.
1. Check your past – is there any instances of abuse that have occurred? Be vigilant, regardless (I can give more details if needed).
2. Know your family history. The trends reveal that its usually someone close to the family – perpetraitors/victims of abuse themselves. This is not always the case.
3. Understand the laws that require sex offenders to be registered.
4. Trust your instincts. Never let your guard down….too costly.
5. Watch your children….my 1st son had a “close call” with one of the boys from “church” and we eventually had to report the individual to the authorities – suffices to say that church isn’t always a safe place either. Be watchful, always.
6. Have a plan that deals with life after you and the Mrs. depart (lets hope this never happens too early). Know who the baby girl will be left with and get a written contract (if need be) for the ones who will care for her in your absence. This is vital.
7. Lastly, always pray for yourselves and the children. God is watching and He will provide a “way of escape” prior to some tragedy taking place – be sensitive to the warning signs that appear. NEVER Let Your Guard Down. EVER!
8. Oh, If you were a victim, make sure YOU get support so that you don’t get “foggy” vision as to your behavioral tendencies. I know this may sound harsh, but I know many like me who were abused by parents, or they even allowed it to take place, pretty sick, right?
I hope this doesn’t offend anyone…the truth will set you free! :)
Anton Robbins – 8 Jun 06 – 1:30 AM MST
Lucas,
Thank you for answering such a delicate question.
It has really helped. Both you and Moof.
The “trust your instincts” point is the one that has changed in me. I never listened to that “inner voice” but I do now and I will never over rule it when it comes to my wife or daughter.
Lucas, Thanks again for answering that post. Yours and Moof’s answer have put a slight calm to my paranoia. Really. Thank you.
June 9th, 2006 at 11:29 pm
Anton, the reality is, hurting people hurt people.
The girl who assaulted me … I cannot hold anything for her BUT forgiveness, compassion … heartbreak. Do I ever want to see her again? NO. But that’s different from not forgiving her. Far different.
My heart breaks for the child who she was. The behavior she participated in was called by my psychiatrist “violent predator”. There were a few other events besides this one that she managed to torture me with throughout the year.
She was my age at the time of the assault. A mere 12 years of age …what kind of terrors had she had foisted upon her in her own home before she met me …before she herself became a predator to turn her into that child that would hurt so badly another child?
The scars I bear from this event are still there. I don’t like to be hugged. I will wake up at night choking, and I have nightmares. I do not trust easily.
But for the girl who assaulted me … I feel sorrow. No one stepped in to stop her …none stepped in to question this girl and she is now in prison for molesting her own children. She’s hurt another generation of children, left more scars … yet hers are probably so deep she will be written off as a ’sicko’ and no one will care about the scars that caused her to cut others.
My uncle, is also a ’sicko’. He is in prison for molesting a foster child. The horrors our family went through as we realized these were true accusations, and not a foster child trying to get out of a foster home … were unimaginable. My uncle is old enough, and his prison sentence is long enough, that thankfully, he will spend the remainder of his life in jail.
But how did he get to be a sicko?
Because his own mother would molest him at night. His own mother was married 8 times. When she’d leave a husband she would take turns sleeping with her 3 sons. (she had 4, the youngest had the misfortune of being several years younger than the rest, and got the whole treatment alone). She would meet someone, marry and treat her children as if they didn’t matter. She was physically, emotionally and sexually abusive.
How did he get to become a sicko? He was raised by a sick sick woman who touched him in unspeakable ways and changed the very being of who he was. No body stepped in to save him. No one stepped in to see that deep cuts became scars instead of open gaping wounds that festered ..and he’d infect others with his fear, and sickness.
What happened to these two people that didn’t happen to me?
I forgave. I didn’t acknowlege for the longest time. But I’ve always known that C wasn’t really at fault ..that it went deeper and she deserved my prayers and my compassion not my hatred.
I’m having a harder time forgiving the woman teacher who had an affair with the classmate of my son this last February. The woman who flirted with my son and touched his shoulder. While my son thought she was a good, fun teacher … she was actually just flirting with all the boys in the class. The fact that she even slightly exposed my son to this monster infuriates me.
In time, I imagine … I will forgive her too … because hating her takes too much energy.
June 13th, 2006 at 1:15 pm
Anton, I wanted to add that I find it appaling how many well-meaning parents insist that their children be affectionate to someone they dont wish to be.
We tell them out of one side of our mouths to tell us about “bad touches” but we force them to kiss grandma, grandpa and all the aunts and uncles even if it clearly upsets them in order to teach them… to be polite? I dunno, but I believe in giving clear messages to children – you have autonomy over your own body.
June 16th, 2006 at 6:52 pm
FOR ANTON in re: “Moof, what advice would you give to prevent that from happening to someone’s daughter/son?”
I was asked to write a parenting column (can you believe that) for a news group (several newspapers–it takes so much time), and the most outstanding response was one I wrote in answer to that same question. The readers called in questions to an answering device…this one had twins and was feeling the same concerns.
To put it as succinctly as possible (I do have it scanned), I set out some scenarios that all dealt with educating one’s children, from the time of birth, that they have a right to chose when to be touched or held, by anyone…including parents. They have a right to call out to the police if they are afraid of anyone, or “just get an operator on the phone.They will always have a right to openly respond if their parents or a teacher is upset with them–just teach them how to call or go for help, “big people can defend themselves…so never worry about hurting them.” But you must start at birth.
Children must be taught that their boundaries are to be respected, and they will grow up to believe you–even if you are challeged at times by their “reward” for your caring upbringing. In the end, you are preparing them for life, and you will learn that communicating with your children is a critically important part of parenting–never permit anyone to scare them, or speak harshly to them, until they are old enough to defend themselves.”
Yes, I’m a parent of, now, five grown children who have their own children. And, yes, one or two did tell me they were going to call Children’s Protective Services on me especially when I’d insist on a good scrubbing, or that they do their chores, when they were older, with a threat of limitations if they did not obey. ;-))) Such comes with the territory of responsible parenting.
Bless all of us who care and have the courage to stand up and SPEAK OUT for our children, and others. From the time I can remember, age 2, I wished someone would have taken me from mine.
Happy Father’s Day to great Dads and Granddads!
June 16th, 2006 at 7:23 pm
Me, again…in re FORGIVING ABUSERS
it isn’t a goal to be reached–forget that. Its all part of the ultimate con job, chilling in fact, that we’re fed by some unrealistic societal norms.
Our goal is to reach a point in therapy where we can love ourselves. We may feel as though a door has opened on a verdant, sunlit pasture, and we view our memories, (repressed ones, as well, and horrific flash-backs), from a very new perspective, because we are no longer afraid of anyone or anything, we would not fear confronting our abuser (s) because nothing that was said back to you can affect you–you are now in charge of yourself, and you survived in spite of what happened to you. In a short time, you’ll notice an incredible reduction in stress (a lot of somatic changes occur), and you have a new self-esteem…in fact, for many survivors, we found our reactions to other life events were part and parcel of the abuse cycle, and we were being re-abused by life, over and over again.
Its worth the “work,” because we each deserve to know ourselves–life was a gift–the present, and we cannot progress to become self-actualizing until we are able to reach that point–not that many members of the human race do that, but if we desire to be free from the long-term effects of abuse, through mental health, that is for each of us to decide. It takes a long time in therapy, so that further emphasizes the degree of impact from horrific and invasive predators–parents–strangers–relatives, et al. Ultimately, you will not be a part of the “abusers” league…you will have moved on to a new level, for oneself.
You’ll be amazed at how you view yourself in relation to the world around you once you can break through the guilt, fear, abandonment, literally painful flash-backs, threats, lies, denials, invasion of your self by someone else, and all the other facets on the black gem of child abuse so permitted by our violent societies.
How is that? Well, law enforcement seeks out any one who does anything similar one time to any one of us “on the street” or in the home. Yet, abusers are known by their victims, and doctors know who they are (if still living), teachers knew, others saw the scars, et al…but no one prosectes them–yet!