Comments on: A Time To Heal … http://moof.blogsplot.net/2006/05/31/169/ Thu, 08 Jan 2009 19:03:52 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.6.5 By: All Blogged Up: A Moof’s Tale / A Secret, Silent Shame http://moof.blogsplot.net/2006/05/31/169/#comment-6347 All Blogged Up: A Moof’s Tale / A Secret, Silent Shame Tue, 29 Aug 2006 02:03:53 +0000 http://moof.blogsplot.net/?p=169#comment-6347 [...] A Time to Heal … Another Need for Healing And the Healing Continues … The Many Faces of Sexual Abuse Love Shouldn’t Ever Leave Bruises [...] [...] A Time to Heal … Another Need for Healing And the Healing Continues … The Many Faces of Sexual Abuse Love Shouldn’t Ever Leave Bruises [...]

]]> By: pbird http://moof.blogsplot.net/2006/05/31/169/#comment-2815 pbird Thu, 22 Jun 2006 06:45:57 +0000 http://moof.blogsplot.net/?p=169#comment-2815 I appreciate your answer. I know it is the only thing I can do. I know she can't really help it. I appreciate your answer. I know it is the only thing I can do. I know she can’t really help it.

]]> By: Moof http://moof.blogsplot.net/2006/05/31/169/#comment-2791 Moof Wed, 21 Jun 2006 13:42:14 +0000 http://moof.blogsplot.net/?p=169#comment-2791 Michelle - thank you for your comment. I don't believe that any of us were "responsible" for the abuse, but I do believe that some of us who were old enough to understand and allowed it continue may have been complicit in its continuation. Accepting that, forgiving ourselves, and moving on is important in fully healing from the entire experience. The new emphasis on "victimhood" is really harmful ... to everyone involved. Having been abused as a child is not some sort of genetic disorder which will have to be borne forever ... it's an external damage a person can recover from, and overcome. Yes, it leaves bad memories ... but those memories don't have to become the way we define ourselves. --- Pbird ... thank you for visiting and leaving a comment. I'm so sorry that you all have been through such horrible ordeals. I believe you that it can be "generational" ... I believe that <em>anything</em> can be ... especially when it's not dealt with, and it's allowed to continue to torment us. Pbird, it's so important to try to forgive your Mom, she's ill. There was no one there for her ... to help her heal, and now she's scarred all of you. Try to forgive her, PBird ... to not carry the legacy of agony on even further. If your Mom had Alzheimer's, or some sort of malignancy that caused her to act like that, it would be easier for you to remember that her actions aren't really from her heart, but from her illness. In generational problems ... someone, at some time, needs to break the cycle. You recognize what the problem is ... you have a chance to break the cycle. If you need to talk, you're welcome to email me. Michelle - thank you for your comment. I don’t believe that any of us were “responsible” for the abuse, but I do believe that some of us who were old enough to understand and allowed it continue may have been complicit in its continuation.

Accepting that, forgiving ourselves, and moving on is important in fully healing from the entire experience. The new emphasis on “victimhood” is really harmful … to everyone involved.

Having been abused as a child is not some sort of genetic disorder which will have to be borne forever … it’s an external damage a person can recover from, and overcome. Yes, it leaves bad memories … but those memories don’t have to become the way we define ourselves.

—

Pbird … thank you for visiting and leaving a comment. I’m so sorry that you all have been through such horrible ordeals.

I believe you that it can be “generational” … I believe that anything can be … especially when it’s not dealt with, and it’s allowed to continue to torment us.

Pbird, it’s so important to try to forgive your Mom, she’s ill. There was no one there for her … to help her heal, and now she’s scarred all of you.

Try to forgive her, PBird … to not carry the legacy of agony on even further. If your Mom had Alzheimer’s, or some sort of malignancy that caused her to act like that, it would be easier for you to remember that her actions aren’t really from her heart, but from her illness.

In generational problems … someone, at some time, needs to break the cycle. You recognize what the problem is … you have a chance to break the cycle.

If you need to talk, you’re welcome to email me.

]]> By: pbird http://moof.blogsplot.net/2006/05/31/169/#comment-2782 pbird Wed, 21 Jun 2006 06:58:09 +0000 http://moof.blogsplot.net/?p=169#comment-2782 As an example of how this can be generational, I submit my mother. She was raped as a four or five year old by a man working on the farm for her father. Her mother didn't believe her, apparently, and just thought she was talking dirty. (at 4 or 5, in the 30s?). Beside all my mom's own problems with this, it has affected all of us in that we had to experience her hatred and paranoia about our husbands and other men of trust. I recently found out from my sister that my mom spent all the time I was raising my children convinced that their father, my husband was abusing them. BUT, in a typical passive-agressive way she did nothing, though she supposedly thought he was. Hm. When my daughter married and had a baby, she went around saying that my daughter's husband was doing the same. All her children's family friends of the male gender have been her suspects. On and on it goes. I'm mightily tired of it. On top of all this I remember seeing blood in my crotch when I was five and no one seemed interested at the time that I can remember. I had a couple of confabulated reasons for it, but now realize thats what they were. Was she as careless as her own mother? I'll never know. As an example of how this can be generational, I submit my mother. She was raped as a four or five year old by a man working on the farm for her father. Her mother didn’t believe her, apparently, and just thought she was talking dirty. (at 4 or 5, in the 30s?).
Beside all my mom’s own problems with this, it has affected all of us in that we had to experience her hatred and paranoia about our husbands and other men of trust. I recently found out from my sister that my mom spent all the time I was raising my children convinced that their father, my husband was abusing them. BUT, in a typical passive-agressive way she did nothing, though she supposedly thought he was. Hm. When my daughter married and had a baby, she went around saying that my daughter’s husband was doing the same. All her children’s family friends of the male gender have been her suspects. On and on it goes. I’m mightily tired of it.
On top of all this I remember seeing blood in my crotch when I was five and no one seemed interested at the time that I can remember. I had a couple of confabulated reasons for it, but now realize thats what they were. Was she as careless as her own mother? I’ll never know.

]]> By: Michelle http://moof.blogsplot.net/2006/05/31/169/#comment-2710 Michelle Sun, 18 Jun 2006 02:27:17 +0000 http://moof.blogsplot.net/?p=169#comment-2710 <blockquote> There has remained with me the realization that even young children who deliberately continue to place themselves in situations of abuse - are complicit in some ways.</blockquote> I never could put some of the guilty feelings and the realization that I might be responsible for the abuse in words before. I know it isn't a popular view and for some reason I don't put it on other kids just myself at the time. Again not sure why. Thank you for posting this. I've been thinking of a few of the incidents in my past these last couple of months more and more. I used to avoid talking about them and now I am forcing myself to slowly. From a song by Oh Susanna <blockquote>No matter how fast you run you end up where you started from to face the secret that you were forced to keep believe me when I say my friend I love you more than anything through the truth our lives will be released</blockquote> I am hoping my life will be released with the truth

There has remained with me the realization that even young children who deliberately continue to place themselves in situations of abuse - are complicit in some ways.

I never could put some of the guilty feelings and the realization that I might be responsible for the abuse in words before. I know it isn’t a popular view and for some reason I don’t put it on other kids just myself at the time. Again not sure why.

Thank you for posting this. I’ve been thinking of a few of the incidents in my past these last couple of months more and more. I used to avoid talking about them and now I am forcing myself to slowly. From a song by Oh Susanna

No matter how fast you run
you end up where you started from
to face the secret that you were forced to keep

believe me when I say my friend
I love you more than anything
through the truth our lives will be released

I am hoping my life will be released with the truth

]]> By: Moof http://moof.blogsplot.net/2006/05/31/169/#comment-2633 Moof Wed, 14 Jun 2006 03:34:29 +0000 http://moof.blogsplot.net/?p=169#comment-2633 Amka, thank you for visiting and leaving a comment. I like the way you put that - "where you begin and where others begin." That's an important concept! Thank you so much for your very kind words. Amka, thank you for visiting and leaving a comment. I like the way you put that - “where you begin and where others begin.” That’s an important concept!

Thank you so much for your very kind words.

]]> By: Amka http://moof.blogsplot.net/2006/05/31/169/#comment-2509 Amka Wed, 07 Jun 2006 17:43:34 +0000 http://moof.blogsplot.net/?p=169#comment-2509 Moof, I admire your incredible strength to take responsibility for your feelings and reactions and where you begin and where others begin. I've enjoyed your kindness on other boards, and now it means all the more. Moof,

I admire your incredible strength to take responsibility for your feelings and reactions and where you begin and where others begin. I’ve enjoyed your kindness on other boards, and now it means all the more.

]]> By: Moof http://moof.blogsplot.net/2006/05/31/169/#comment-2487 Moof Tue, 06 Jun 2006 22:17:02 +0000 http://moof.blogsplot.net/?p=169#comment-2487 Difficult Patient - thank you for dropping in and leaving a comment. I want to say that I agree with you wholeheartedly: "Change doesn’t happen by being quiet" ... ... Kt ... thank you for visiting and leaving us a message. May the peace and love you've offered return to you one hundred fold. ... Hannah ... thank you so much for your visit and your kind comment. You're quite right - there's tremendous value in facing and being open about this sort of thing. It's freeing not only for yourself, but also for many others. ... Ian - I'm always happy to see you. Thank you for dropping in and commenting. I'm so sorry about your wife. That could have contributed substantially to the relational problems in your marriage ... as I'm sure it will go on to contribute to more relational problems in her future if she doesn't deal with the issue. Tragedy is a very good word. Difficult Patient - thank you for dropping in and leaving a comment. I want to say that I agree with you wholeheartedly: “Change doesn’t happen by being quiet” …

…

Kt … thank you for visiting and leaving us a message. May the peace and love you’ve offered return to you one hundred fold.

…

Hannah … thank you so much for your visit and your kind comment. You’re quite right - there’s tremendous value in facing and being open about this sort of thing. It’s freeing not only for yourself, but also for many others.

…

Ian - I’m always happy to see you. Thank you for dropping in and commenting. I’m so sorry about your wife. That could have contributed substantially to the relational problems in your marriage … as I’m sure it will go on to contribute to more relational problems in her future if she doesn’t deal with the issue. Tragedy is a very good word.

]]> By: Ian Lidster http://moof.blogsplot.net/2006/05/31/169/#comment-2468 Ian Lidster Mon, 05 Jun 2006 18:08:26 +0000 http://moof.blogsplot.net/?p=169#comment-2468 Powerful stuff from you both, and commendations to you both for having the courage. My first wife confessed to mathe shortly after we separated that her grandfather had regularly groped her from age 11 to 13. Her mother knew. Did nothing. I asked my wife why she had never told me. She said she was too ashamed. But it did explain some of the problems we had. Tragic is the legacy of abuse. Powerful stuff from you both, and commendations to you both for having the courage. My first wife confessed to mathe shortly after we separated that her grandfather had regularly groped her from age 11 to 13. Her mother knew. Did nothing. I asked my wife why she had never told me. She said she was too ashamed. But it did explain some of the problems we had. Tragic is the legacy of abuse.

]]> By: Hannah http://moof.blogsplot.net/2006/05/31/169/#comment-2464 Hannah Mon, 05 Jun 2006 15:06:54 +0000 http://moof.blogsplot.net/?p=169#comment-2464 You are inspiring others by showing the weight of abuse (of any kind) through the years, and the value of owning it and venting it. I am impressed beyond words. Hh You are inspiring others by showing the weight of abuse (of any kind) through the years, and the value of owning it and venting it. I am impressed beyond words.

Hh

]]>